


Half Agony, Half Hope

by stellahibernis



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Alternate Universe - Steampunk, Communication Issues, Complicated Relationships, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Pining, Steve reclaiming art, also a bit smarter life choices, aspiring scientist Bucky, estranged to friends, questionable life choices
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-25
Updated: 2019-01-05
Packaged: 2019-09-27 05:26:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 40,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17156063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stellahibernis/pseuds/stellahibernis
Summary: When their family’s financial situation forces them to let out their house and move to the city, Bucky knows keeping up the isolation he has cultivated since he retired from the Strike Force with only disillusionment and a metal arm to show for it will become all but impossible. It starts with him escorting his sister around, but later he reconnects with some old friends, and starts to think that maybe he should really do something with his interest in sciences.He’s intrigued by the Avengers, especially the man called Captain America, with whom he has a tenuous connection. He also finds out that his old friend Steve, who he hasn’t heard of in ten years, is somehow connected with Tony Stark. If he just wanted to, Bucky could make contact with him and try to repair their relationship.Problem is, Bucky isn’t the same man he used to be when he last spoke with Steve, and he’s not sure if the chasm between them can be bridged anymore. In addition, the biggest surprise of his life is waiting for Bucky, requiring him to rethink everything.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my fourth annual holiday season fic, with a topic that has nothing whatsoever to do with holidays. The story is finished already, and a new chapter will be posted every day until January 5th, unless something very drastic happens.
> 
> I have for a while now wanted to put Bucky and Steve into a steampunk universe, and reading the excellent _The Thrilling Adventures of Lovelace and Babbage_ by Sydney Padua last summer inspired me to pick it up for the holiday story this year.
> 
> The title is from Jane Austen’s Persuasion, and while it definitely gave me some inspiration for the starting point, the final story moved far enough away that I wouldn’t call this a Persuasion-AU as such.

Maintaining his arm is always a calming activity to Bucky, a familiar ritual that is required every day to make sure the mobility stays perfect. It’s a bit funny to him, considering how harrowing the experience of losing his arm was, and the memories connected to the prosthetic are complicated. Yet, the act of taking care of it somehow cuts through the complications and allows him to concentrate only on the necessary routine. Today it’s a sunny day, and he has the tools with him on the window bench, taking advantage of the light while looking over the gardens. It’s a view he most likely won’t get to enjoy for too much longer.

There’s a knock on the door and at his call Becca comes in, her shoulders tense even when she’s clearly pretending nonchalance, wanting Bucky to think she doesn’t care what’s going on with their parents. Her feelings of the matter are obvious from her words, though.

“They’re arguing again. And it’s not that they’re even disagreeing, they both regret we have to leave our home, and they want to find a suitable place in the city, but somehow they still manage to yell about it at each other.”

She throws herself onto the small sofa, careless of her dress and neatly arranged curls. Bucky has always adored her, and there is no difference between what he felt for the girl waving at him when he left to take his position at the Strike Force, a special branch of the military, and the young woman who embraced him without hesitation when he returned almost a decade later with nightmares and a metal arm. To her, he is and always will be her brother, not a stranger because of what he’s been through, not someone to be treated with kid-gloves like their parents seem to think. He’s done his best to reciprocate the fairness, to treat her the way she deserves, to respect her wishes and ambitions that are reaching much farther than just the good marriage that their parents are angling for her.

“It’s easier to yell than accept responsibility for having lived beyond your means,” he says.

They live in an old manor house on a large estate that has belonged to their family for generations, but their parents have always been more interested in enjoying the luxuries their wealth affords than running the business, and they’re now in debt. They’ve made corrections, they’re taking a better care of the estate now, and money is coming in, but not quite fast enough to satisfy their debtors. Hence they will have to let the house out to someone, and get the additional income that’ll allow them to settle in the city. It’s smart, they can keep up a trendy lifestyle with much smaller costs there, and their parents will probably come up with some story about being bored of being so isolated, preserving their pride, which Bucky knows is the main concern for them.

“It’ll be good for you as well,” Bucky adds. “Much easier for you to get around on your own, and to find others to share your craft with.”

Becca nods, because of course she has also thought about it. Bucky is fairly sure she is ultimately happy that they’re going despite having to leave the only home she’s ever had behind. It’s only their strict upbringing that’s keeping her from expressing her delight in it openly even with him. Bucky hopes she’ll become more open and assertive in the city, and is able to pursue her ambitions. She has written stories since she knew her letters, she has read every book in the library, and as years have passed writing has become a clearer goal, she wants to make something with it, even though she most likely will never have to rely on it for income. Their parents don’t object too much, since for now it’s not getting in between their plans of marrying her off. Bucky suspects it might be different if she really blossoms into herself the way he suspect she will in the city, and starts to rebel against them. Whatever their parents say, he’s always going to be in her corner, whatever direction her life will take.

She picks up one of the books on his table and starts reading, his room a habitual refuge for her, because if she’s at hers their mother might pester her into hours of embroidery or something else she’s very much capable of doing but finds boring, while Bucky is generally left alone these days and by extension she as well whenever she’s in his rooms. 

Bucky focuses on his task again, opening the panels along the arm and cleaning everything. He doesn’t understand all the specifics of the machinery, in fact he’s fairly sure only a handful of people would. It’s a miracle of science and medicine, an artificial arm that takes its power from his movements, allows him to feel to a degree what he’s touching, and is just as dexterous and strong as his right arm. He doubts even Tony Stark and his mad intelligence perfectly portrayed by his Iron Man armor could create something equal. The secrets of Wakanda are closely guarded, and for Bucky to have the arm required a mix of good and bad luck.

He’d known when he took the position as a sniper in the Strike Force that the missions would come with a risk, but he never expected to be left behind without any attempt at rescue. Instead everything had gone wrong one day, he’d seen no other choice but to leave his sniper nest and try to help those on the ground. It had been mostly futile, most of his team had been lost, but he’d happened upon a group of Wakandans traveling undercover. He had saved the life of their prince, but got his arm blown off for his trouble. The Wakandans had brought him to their country, healed him, and Princess Shuri had even made the arm for him, because apparently such a thing was just a trifle for her. They’d let him come back home on the condition he’d keep their secrets he’d become familiar with, which he’d easily agreed to. He still stays in regular contact with the royal family, and it’s mostly social, as bizarre as it sometimes feels. As soon as he got back he resigned from the military, and since then he’s been mostly a recluse, living with his family but not attempting to contact anyone else.

Living on his home estate has suited him well, because they don’t have many close neighbors, and none he knows personally these days. The life of long walks and reading has been perfectly satisfying, helping to calm his frayed nerves that healed only partially during his stay in Wakanda. He’s focused on sciences; he always had aptitude for mathematics which helped him to become such a good sniper, but now he’s learned physics, engineering, and astronomy, all of which he picked up during his recovery in Wakanda. He knows he’s not a genius like Shuri or Stark, but he understands enough to follow the calculations and concepts, and delving deeper keeps his mind agile. He’s sometimes thought of finding an opportunity to see one of the big steam powered analytical machines, maybe even working with them, but it would require him to come out of his relative isolation, and he hasn’t been ready to do so. Sometimes he feels like he never will be.

He might not have a choice, though, with the move to the city with his family, because everything will be different there. Taking a walk will mean going out among the people rather than into the woods and fields of solitude, and there’ll be a much bigger likelihood of people coming up to call on them. He wouldn’t mind staying behind, finding a little place for himself in the country as he’s sometimes considered, but it’s not the right thing for now. He wants to be there for Becca, to be in her corner and encourage her, and for that, he’ll have to live in the city with her.

As soon as their parents sort out their affairs, anyway.

***

The house is finally let, and it causes an unexpected turmoil for Bucky when he hears Peggy Carter is going to be living there with her family. Their parents are delighted, she’s after all famous, a living legend really, and has a high social and professional status, not to mention a wealth of connections. She recently retired from the position of the director of SHIELD, an agency responsible for maintaining safety and security that she helped establish after the most recent war. She started her career as a regular codebreaker, graduated into a field agent at the onset of the war, befriended Howard Stark during it, and somehow persuaded him to work for the country rather than just his own gain. She’s been at SHIELD ever since, and under her guidance the agency has been from the start at the front edge of technology. Now it’s rumored they have the most advanced analytical machines in the world at their disposal, more computing power than anyone else, which gives them an edge. Personally Bucky suspects these days that Wakanda is ahead, but they’re very much withdrawn, not interested in interfering with the affairs of other countries, so it doesn’t much matter. Regardless he very much respects the achievements of Director Carter.

Bucky never was exactly familiar with her, even though he met her a few times when he was younger. The reason for it was that she had made friends with a soldier named Joseph Rogers during the war, as well as Sarah, a nurse working on trenches who would eventually marry Mr Rogers some years after the end of the war. His lungs had been damaged by gas during the war, and when his condition kept aggravating in the city over the next decade, the Rogers family had decided to settle at countryside where the air was better. Their son had just been born, after several years of trying, they had bought themselves a small place just outside the grounds of the Barnes house, and they’d been happy despite his illness. Director Carter had kept in touch with them through the years, regularly writing, and sometimes visiting, both before and after Mr Rogers died only a couple of years after they’d moved away from the city.

Steve Rogers was born a year after Bucky, and despite the gap in the social status of their families, they became fast friends when young. He knows it was a close call on whether they ever met, because after the death of Mr Rogers Director Carter had tried to convince Mrs Rogers to move back to the city where it would have been easier to get by. She could have worked for one of the big hospitals and gotten paid better than she did out in the country, but ultimately Mrs Rogers had decided to stay due to Steve’s weak lungs and precarious health, hoping he’d do better in the clear country air that had made life at least a little bit easier for her husband during his last years. The next summer Bucky had strayed away from his nanny and found himself at the Rogers’ yard for the first time.

As years went by, they would have wanted to be inseparable, they did their best to make it so, but life seemed determined to get between them, starting from the schools they attended to the limitations their social class and Steve’s health dictated. Still, Steve was Bucky’s best friend, and there will never be another like him, Bucky’s always known it. Their paths finally separated when Bucky chose his career path in the military, joining the Strike Force rather than the Army with Steve like they’d always talked about. He’d done it partly to protect Steve, he’d been sure it would be too much for Steve with his poor health, not to mention Mrs Rogers was fading too at the time, and wouldn’t have taken well to her son’s military career. Steve never wrote him after he left, but it was no surprise, considering Bucky had never talked about his choice and went back on his promise. Instead he’d written Steve after the fact, knowing already then there’d be consequences, and he understands why Steve never could forgive him.

During his service he’d stayed in the city even between missions, and so he only properly returned home after he came back from Wakanda. By then, the house Steve had lived in was empty, and clearly had been so for years already. Tentative queries had let Bucky know that Sarah Rogers had contracted a consumption only months after he left. She had died a few months later, and Steve had disappeared soon after, without letting anyone know where he was going. Bucky hadn’t tried to look for him after he returned. In truth, he hadn’t dared.

Now with Director Carter moving into their house the memories of his friend that he’s tried to suppress are taking a hold of Bucky again, bringing back the confused feelings he was wrestling with during the last few years they spent together along with them. It’s been a decade already, they should have withered and died, and still Bucky finds his heart speeding up when he wonders if Steve will once again walk the grounds that he used to know like the back of his hand. It’s not unreasonable, he would expect Steve to have kept in touch with Director Carter, as he always was fond of her because she never looked at him down her nose, and instead always appreciated him for his qualities. Maybe Steve will visit her, or maybe he won’t. Maybe he too has as hard time with the memories as Bucky does. Or maybe he doesn’t even care anymore.

In any case, Bucky will not find out, because he’ll be living in the city by then.

***

Their move to the city happens fast when they finally get to it, and Bucky is content enough in the house, as much as he can be, probably. His rooms are on the top floor, out of the way of anyone’s path, and hence he’s left mostly alone despite the smaller living space they have. It takes no time for his family to start to thrive, his parents deciding they enjoy the lively society and the ability to see people regularly, and that it almost makes up for giving up their grander living arrangements. Becca loves being able to go out more easily and starts making friends that share her literary disposition. She’s very smart about it, starting by cultivating relationships with people of relatively close social class to hers, and their parents have nothing to complain. She intends to start broadening her circles when she knows the city better and is more at home there.

Bucky misses the ability to go for a walk in peace, even the parks are teeming with people, and he’s never quite at ease the way he used to be during the walks around their estate. Instead he starts spending time on the roof when he needs to calm his mind, there is a part that can be accessed through his window, and he whiles away many hours there with a telescope, observing the sky. It’s comfortable now in the summertime, but he knows he’ll have to figure out something else when the fall comes and the days get colder as winter nears.

He still needs exercise, and he gets around a bit due to the necessity of taking care of his affairs, as well as escorting Becca wherever she wants to go, but he also starts taking walks late at night or very early in the morning when there are less people around. They are times often considered risky, especially for someone obviously wealthy to be alone, but he dresses in clothes that are plainer than his regular outfits, wears a cap instead of a top hat, and a coat that’s not fashionably cut. He also carries a sturdy stick and walks with purpose, with all the confidence his military experience has given him, and so he is left alone even though he does see some shady characters.

At first Bucky only walks for the exercise, not because he particularly enjoys his surroundings, but as weeks pass he finds himself getting grudgingly and gradually more interested. He starts paying attention to the landscaping in the parks, the architecture, and the way the streets and alleys wind into each other, sometimes in a grid, sometimes not. He walks through the industrial areas and docks, making a note of how business is booming and new machines are built. He often looks up to see the zeppelins moored to the tallest buildings, with their lights winking down through the morning fog. He’s less thrilled by how the sky tends to be gray-blue even on the most beautiful days, bright blue visible only over the sea during his walks on the shore.

He also likes the painted murals on the sides of buildings or walls running by the streets. He probably should be turning his nose up on them, should think like most people of his class do that art belongs in the drawing rooms and galleries, not on the street, but he doesn’t care. They make otherwise bland places more lively.

The quality of the murals vary, but the most popular topic currently seems to be the group known as the Avengers. Bucky’s not surprised at all, considering the way they blasted into the knowledge of people during the recent uprising of Hydra, a group that had popped up here and there earlier, most prominently during the latest war. A couple of years ago they had a surge of sudden activity again and they attacked the city. Their leader since the war, a man known as the Red Skull of all things, had attacked at the head of a rabble of people that had been given some kind of medicine that made then stronger than they should have been. At the time Bucky had been abroad, already deep into the mission that would cost him his arm, and he only heard of the incident after the fact. He still doesn’t quite know what the aim of Hydra had been, beyond the usual world domination, but they’d failed because the group called Avengers had stopped them.

The Avengers are somehow affiliated with SHIELD, and it’s speculated that at least some of them work for the agency, but the only one whose identity is publicly known is Tony Stark. He took over his father’s company after his parents died in a zeppelin accident, and even Bucky who doesn’t follow the gossip columns at all knows he’s a frequent target of rumors. He certainly is capable at what he does, Bucky used a rifle designed by the man himself during his active service. Apparently it was one of Stark’s tamer ideas, because during the Hydra uprising he turned up like a medieval knight, armored and on a horse, but carrying a more modern arsenal, and had taken down his share of Hydra soldiers.

Beyond Stark there is the Hulk, a large green humanoid, rumored to be a regular human who has some kind of a potion that can shift him. Then there is a large man that went about beating the attackers with a huge hammer, his long blond locks flowing. Of these two Bucky knows only the most cursory details.

Two of the Avengers reportedly wore the black SHIELD uniform, and while there’s no official information, Bucky thinks he knows who they are. A woman with bright red hair and a man with a bow would be too much of a coincidence otherwise. Natasha was in the same class with Bucky at the Military Academy, she was his closest friend there and they continued to be so even though their paths separated after graduation. She was recruited to SHIELD straight out of the Academy, but they occasionally met on missions or at the clubs they went to when they were both in the city in between, and Bucky also met her partner Clint along the way. After getting to know him Bucky was more at ease knowing Natasha had a trustworthy backup, something Bucky didn’t usually have himself.

The final Avenger is a man called Captain America. Bucky had heard of him before, first a couple of years after he signed up with the Strike Force. It was never quite clear whether he was part of SHIELD or the military, maybe something in between, but he had his own team called Howling Commandos. They too worked on special missions, although not the kind Bucky’s branch took, and instead they usually went against Hydra. There was never anything that was public, but stories circulated in the special forces. They never met, but Bucky would have liked to; the man seemed to have the right kind of attitude to the job and a steady moral compass. Bucky could have done with comrades like that during the missions when it took every bit of effort he had to try and hold on to his own humanity.

There’s also another reason why Bucky finds Captain America interesting. When Shuri made his arm, she remarked that it was only the second time they gifted Vibranium to an outsider, and the first time had been a piece of Vibranium that nowadays is part of the alloy from which the Captain’s shield is made of. She hadn’t elaborated on the reasons why they’d gifted the Vibranium to an outsider, but regardless it furthermore convinced Bucky the Captain is worth knowing. Vibranium is more precious than gold, and the Wakandans wouldn’t have given it to just anyone.

During his walks he regularly sees the symbols of the Avengers, and although he’s curious and even has a connection to them in Natasha and Clint, he ultimately doesn’t go looking. It feels like the curiosity is part of the life he left behind when he gave up on being a soldier.

***

Over the first weeks in the city he finds a rhythm for his life in the new environment, one that works for him even though it’s different from before. It’s harder to be as retired, as much of a recluse as he used to be in the country, and it does especially at first take a toll on him. He doesn’t mind escorting Becca around, and he even manages to be relatively social at times, but he’d prefer it to be left there, to not go any further. For some reason there are people that find him interesting, who want to be his friends in some cases, or want to be more that that in others. In truth he wouldn’t mind having a friend or two, only his idea of friendship is different from what is offered to him. What those seeking connection are about is not understanding and harmony of souls, but what they can do for each other. Despite his family’s diminished circumstances, they’re still wealthy compared to most people, and even more importantly, their lineage goes back centuries, which gives them social status over those of newer lines. People see him as a prize to be won, as someone to open doors for them, and he doesn’t care for that.

Unfortunately his parents notice the interest, and to his chagrin it’s now not only Becca they imagine making a good match for, but him too. Now the metal arm that they’ve so far pretended to not notice is a sign of his bravery, pointed out at every turn, and he’s called down to the parlor whenever they have visitors his mother deems suitable and interesting enough. Bucky does as she wishes, but makes the barest minimum of effort at conversation that politeness requires, which discourages most people. Unfortunately there are those who deem him either mysterious and a puzzle to be solved, or someone they can heal with their patience and what they believe is love, and are all the more infatuated.

After two months in the city he seriously considers finding a place of his own, and it looks like it might become a possibility relatively soon when Becca one afternoon blushingly confesses she’s been getting to know a Henry Proctor, is under belief he likes her, and that she might even like him back. She obviously does like him, even when she’s not quite ready to confess it to Bucky yet. He gives her the advice to really look at his character sensibly, but he also tells her to trust her heart if this feels like the right thing. At one gathering he introduces himself, and finds out Henry seems to be sincere about her. He’s by all appearances a good man, supportive of Becca’s writing, and as luck would have it, his status is such that their parents wouldn’t dream of standing against the match either. If it all goes as Becca hopes, Bucky too can make arrangements for himself. He still advises her to take it slow, to build their relationship up on a solid foundation rather than rush into anything, and since Proctor readily agrees according to her, Bucky is again more hopeful.

***

One of Bucky’s walks takes him to the industrial district and past a newly constructed building that belongs to Stark Industries. It fascinates Bucky, because apparently there’s supposed to be a new analytical machine powered not by steam, but by an arc reactor, an experimental power source that Stark invented. While there’s no telling for sure what’s in the building, it’s large enough for the purpose, and there are no pipes that would signify the burning of coal. Obviously something is happening inside even at the very early hour that Bucky is taking his walk, lights are on, and shapes moving in the windows. If it fills the whole building, the machine inside would be huge, the computing power staggering, and Bucky can’t help but wonder if Stark has passed the rumored analyzing capability of SHIELD.

He’s immersed in his thoughts when he turns a corner and sees that on the wall of the building by the entrance is a mural, beautifully painted and in pride position, clearly an official commission rather than someone having painted it on the sly. It fits what Bucky knows of Tony Stark; that he doesn’t care so much of tradition but progress, and is endlessly fascinated by everything new.

One of the topics Stark has recently talked about is new energy sources, solar power and arc reactor rather than steam created by burning coal. Since the invention of the analytical machine technological innovation has been moving forward faster than ever, there’s more and more need for power, and hence more coal is being burned. The city is perpetually cloaked in smoke, and breathing problems are getting more and more common. Stark believes that the problem can be helped with alternate energy sources that don’t pollute, a stance that Bucky is all for, and that in general is gaining traction, even with the opposition of the people that have made their fortunes with coal mines.

The mural depicts the topic as well; it’s a long cityscape, of buildings and streets and parks, with people going about their day. At one end there’s the familiar sight of gray smoke and factory pipes, but it slowly shifts, and at the other end sky is blue and the people seem happier, all the colors are brighter. It’s simple and effective, and it would be to Bucky’s liking in any case, but it turns out it’s incredibly special.

The thing is, Bucky recognizes the style. It’s evolved and refined, and the use of color is bolder than he remembers, but every brush stroke is so clearly reminiscent of Steve’s that Bucky can’t believe there could be anyone else that would have the same style. He’s seen so many paintings by Steve, he knows his hand, and more than that, Bucky just knows beyond what he can reasonably explain. The mural is Steve’s work. There’s a confirmation to it at the lower right corner, the letters S. R. with a date, same way Steve always signed his work.

It’s been ten years since Bucky last saw Steve, since he last had any kind of contact with him, and the rush of feeling is overwhelming, complicated, and he turns on his heels and heads back toward home. He needs time to think about it in peace.

First and foremost he’s happy to know that Steve is still alive. Bucky’s had to consider the possibility of him having died in the meantime due to his poor health, and it’s a concern he can lay to rest now. More than that, Steve seems to be doing well for himself, since he’s been commissioned by Tony Stark. Bucky wonders if his art is displayed in other places, maybe even at one of the fashionable galleries he so far hasn’t visited, or if he’d find his friend’s name in the art section of the papers if he were to look.

Now that he has a lead toward Steve, Bucky could find him by looking up Natasha and having her help him get through to Stark. It would probably work, and hence he has a decision to make. Is he going to reach out, does he want to find out if the rift between them can be mended, or is he going to leave it alone, and let Steve enjoy the life he’s made for himself since their parting? Right now he doesn’t know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's Bucky's life nicely shaken up, now he can start actually doing something about it. He does need a bit of help to get started, though.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky reconnects with some old friends.

Now that Bucky knows Steve is most likely somewhere in the city he withdraws even more than he has so far. It’s ridiculous, there are thousands of people in the city, and the likelihood of just running into Steve isn’t very big at all, especially since they haven’t yet met each other, which means they most likely don’t move in the same circles. The potential is still enough to get him to stay at home more, and take his walks only in the dark. He can’t help being conscious of the looming what if, what would happen if he came across Steve just like that. The idea freaks him out, especially since he hasn’t been able to decide how he’d like to proceed if they ever were to meet. He needs to make up his mind first on whether he’d like to try to mend the breach.

Except it’s not quite so simple as deciding whether he wants to, because of course he does, in an ideal world. He’d want to get the relationship he shared with Steve back more than anything, but it’s impossible, it could never be the same. He went through too much during his military service, and furthermore, it’s probably more his than Steve’s fault that he doesn’t have any connection to Steve anymore, that he doesn’t know what the past ten years have been like to him. Not a walk in the park, that’s for sure, with the loss of his mother. Bucky hopes others have been there for Steve when he wasn’t, that he didn’t have to be alone in the world.

Over the couple of weeks following his discovery of Steve’s art he keeps turning the question in his head, but doesn’t really get anywhere with it. He’s paralyzed between what he wants and knowing it can’t happen in reality, and he can’t imagine any alternatives beyond his current life where they’re fully separated. He wants to go and see the mural again, to look at it more closely, to see if there are more answers, but he never does.

***

Bucky’s alone at home, his parents and Becca having gone to a house by the sea owned by one of their acquaintances where some kind of a gathering is taking place. Bucky had been invited as well, but he’d declined and for once their mother actually hadn’t fought about it, probably judging it futile. It’s a relief to not have to worry for a few days about being forced to be social.

He’s reading an article about dark lines found in the spectrum of the sun and speculation on what it might mean, when he’s told there’s a visitor. He’s confused and annoyed, people should know they’re not receiving, but apparently the young lady in question insisted on meeting him in particular, and didn’t even provide a card to let him know who it is.

He takes a cursory look on the mirror to make sure he’s not completely disheveled and buttons his waistcoat, but other than that he decides to forgo ceremony, not that he cares what people think of him anyway.

In the parlor a petite woman is standing by the window, her fitted jacket and long dress are black with some red accents. They’re not currently fashionable colors, but maybe all the more striking for it. Her red hair gives out her identity even before she turns to look at Bucky as he enters.

“Natasha, what are you doing here?”

She looks just like he remembers, and yet different, there are new experiences she carries and that give her even larger presence than before. Bucky is glad to see she’s clearly not on mission, this is her when she can choose her appearance, albeit only an aspect of it. He’s sure there are many more he hasn’t seen yet.

She smiles slightly and steps toward him, obviously looking him over. “That’s kind of a rude greeting, you know. I was at the ballet yesterday, and there were some ladies that were sorely disappointed the mysterious Mr Barnes wasn’t in attendance. I asked around and decided to come and pay a visit.” She sobers, her eyes flicking at his left hand, not covered with a glove as it usually is while he has company. “I’m glad to see you made it out alive from the trouble you were in. I was worried.”

A flood of warmth and relief rushes into Bucky, because he suddenly remembers she is someone who understands, someone he doesn’t have to hide from like he has to from everyone else, and the way she doesn’t admonish him for not contacting her after coming back is a perfect example of it. He’s close with Becca but he can’t talk to her about the horrors he’s been through, he doesn’t want her to carry more of the burden than she already does, and there’s no one else in his circles he’d even consider. Natasha on the other hand knows exactly the necessary ugliness of the work they’ve both done, the horrors and the victories it contains.

He invites her to stay for a tea that they take in his library, and she takes off her hat and jacket, relaxes in his space, unconcerned as she’s always been. Bucky ends up telling her of Wakanda, not anything he knows they’d want him to hold in confidence but enough, about Shuri and the arm she made for him. Natasha holds his metal hand in both of hers, curiously looking at the details, and there’s a gentle, almost regretful look in her eyes even as she’s clearly happy to be in his presence.

Bucky asks about the Avengers, enough to get a confirmation that she indeed is a member, but nothing more, hesitant to dig in deeper. Even with the realization that being with her is unexpectedly easy, he’s still not keen on getting mixed up with everything else that’s to do with her, even when he is more than a little bit curious. Mostly they spend the afternoon getting used to each other again, and just enjoying the company.

She leaves in the early evening after extracting a promise from Bucky that he’ll stay in touch, and that he will come to meet her at the club. She’s almost at the door, her gloves on, hat resting on her hair at a perfect tilt when she hesitates.

“Did you reconnect with that friend of yours?”

She doesn’t have to elaborate, Bucky knows she’s talking about Steve, even though he’s fairly sure she doesn’t know his name, because Bucky never told her. She does know they had a falling out after Bucky graduated from the Academy and chose his path forward, because he’d asked her to weigh in on the problem he had. He’d talked of Steve in the abstract with her, never giving her too many specifics, and he regrets it now, because he knows she would have helped him with it more had he properly confided in her.

Bucky shakes his head, words leaving him for the moment, and she again portrays the perfect understanding he’s come to expect by not saying anything more. Instead she nods at him and goes, strolling down the street without concern or acknowledging the fact that everyone around turns to look at her.

***

Later that night when Bucky lies on the roof, staring up to the expanse of the sky that’s yellowish gray rather than black here in the city, he wonders if by any chance Natasha knows Steve. After all she knows Tony Stark, and Bucky has the impression Stark is hands on enough that he would have chosen the artist for the mural of his building himself rather than have someone else do it. It’s obvious the topic is from Stark’s brain, and he most likely discussed it rather than just sending a message. It means there’s at most only one degree of separation between Natasha and Steve, but when Bucky thinks of it, he has to admit it’s after all not too likely they would have met, because the Avengers have nothing to do with Stark’s business, and Natasha still works for SHIELD. It would only make sense if Steve had become a friend of Stark’s, something Bucky considers unlikely knowing Steve’s preferences, especially the desire to avoid the fashionable set, but not impossible. Steve would have made an impression if Stark met him, if only because he absolutely wouldn’t have deferred to his status.

It occurs to Bucky, for the first time in his life, that there are things he could have done for Steve, ways he could have helped to make his life easier more than the small gifts and services he bestowed without thinking of it too deeply. He didn’t, and he wonders what it says of him as a friend.

Of course, Steve was and probably still is proud and determined to get by on his own, and never would have taken money. Nor would have Mrs Rogers, the mother and son certainly were made of same cloth, and it was why Bucky never suggested it. He instead made gifts of art supplies, which he knew Steve wanted but had a hard time justifying buying since they weren’t necessities, considering they were barely getting by most of the time. Once he got older, Steve did make some money from commissions, but for years art was just his pleasure. Bucky tended to just drop things in Steve’s lap when he came around, always making a show of aloofness when he shrugged about it, as if it wasn’t such a big deal, and it helped Steve accept them. Of course, when it came to money, getting Steve paints and such was not a big deal for him, but in all the ways it mattered it was, because it made Steve happier.

Money wasn’t the only thing Bucky had that Steve lacked; there were connections that he could have used, maybe could have helped Steve get more commissions from people who could pay better. It wouldn’t probably have taken that much even, he could have just brought Steve along with him sometimes, mention here and there that he was an artist, and it would have snowballed. He just never did anything like that.

For many years they were as close as they could be despite their situations, but it still felt like they were living in different worlds, separated by a barrier that thin though it was, still very much existed. Bucky always was reluctant to bring Steve into connection with everything else in his life, maybe because he never did much like the rich circles. Life was much harder for the Rogers family, but there was simple honesty about it that Bucky relished in. He now thinks that even if it didn’t happen consciously, he may have wanted to protect it, wanted to keep secret the thing he felt comfortable with even though he didn’t quite belong.

He should have had more faith, because Steve wouldn’t have just changed had he come into contact with Bucky’s circles. There’s even proof of it, considering he knew Director Carter and always was comfortable and himself with her. Bucky could explain his behavior away with that he was respecting Steve’s opinions, Steve always was extremely reluctant to even entertain the idea of getting to know Bucky’s other friends, but if he’d wanted, he could have maneuvered it easily enough and helped Steve along the way.

Instead he’d wanted to keep Steve to himself, hide him even from his other close friend Natasha, who probably would have understood Steve well, and in the end he’d messed it all up.

While Bucky was getting his soul shredded and his body blown to pieces in the middle of the battles that didn’t always feel were justified, Steve obviously got along in his life. Bucky is sincerely glad about it; there are the regrets he must carry, but at least he has that to comfort him.

***

Natasha invites him for lunch at their club. The membership consists of an assortment of people that either are now or have been serving in the military or at one of the intelligence agencies, with a heavy slant toward members of the special forces. Bucky has spent a lot of time there in between mission, but hasn’t visited since he came back home from Wakanda. He dresses with care, knowing that people tend to look sharp there and he doesn’t want to stand out any more than he is going to in Natasha’s company. He smooths his hair back and chooses a structured jacket, one that’ll hide his arm even better than his regular clothes. With gloves on he doesn’t look that different from the man he was.

He recognizes some of the faces, coolly nods to his old acquaintances but doesn’t stop to talk to anyone as he makes his way toward the corner Natasha particularly likes. On the way there Brock Rumlow greets him more cordially than he ever bothered to, a strange occurrence in Bucky’s book. He doesn’t linger on the thought, dropping it when he sees Natasha, noting she’s not alone.

If it were anyone else, Bucky would probably walk away even knowing she’d give him a piece of her mind later, but it’s Clint, looking about as disheveled as one can and still be let into the club. Maybe more so, but Bucky suspects the Avengers may have additional privileges compared to the rest of them. Over the time he spent hiding in his parent’s house, Bucky somehow managed to not particularly miss anyone, outside of the gnawing emptiness that Steve’s absence still is, he was happy in the relative solitude, and yet he finds he’s glad now to reacquaint himself with both Natasha and Clint. Up until now he’s been of the opinion he’s changed too much to be comfortable with the people he knew, or that the proximity to those still actively working in the field would be too much. Instead it’s a relief to be around them, much easier than the parlors of the wealthy and the parties he’s been taking Becca to.

He sits down, gets a drink, and relaxes, the conversation easy between the three of them. It somehow feels like the start of a new period in his life, one more hopeful than the life in some isolated house in the countryside he’s been envisioning for himself after Becca is safely landed in happiness.

His old habit of vigilance hasn’t died even during his retirement, and he’s keenly aware that there’s a very deliberate flow of traffic at the club, people going past them with the intention of getting a look at them. In some cases several times. Mostly they’re staring at Natasha, not very discreetly at all, and Bucky’s fairly sure it’s less because she’s an Avenger and mostly just because she’s herself. She has the kind of presence that draws an eye to her, one that she cultivates, and very few people know the other side of it. She can turn it on, but she can also turn it off, and thus she’s able to blend in anywhere she needs to. When she’s out in public as herself, she always keeps it on, so that people get used to her large presence. Bucky knows she has more than once managed to elude people who think they know her well at very close proximity.

She always had the talent, but it’s been honed and perfected from when they first met at the Military Academy on the first day of their first year. Bucky was affected by it as well back then, but somehow she decided he was worth becoming friends with, worth being allowed to see her true colors. It has forged a closeness between them that even now, after a few years spent without seeing each other, they still click and fit together.

His traitorous mind wonders if it would be like that with Steve as well, while also pointing out she’s been a lot more open and honest with him than he has, and that he should return the favor.

They never were lovers with Natasha, even though there was a point they could have chosen to go into that direction. There was a crossroads, and they chose then to walk the road of friendship, keeping that intimacy and not breaching to the other side. It has made their closeness uncomplicated, easy, and Bucky has never regretted it. Now even less, because their separation would have happened regardless, and he’s happy there’s no added complexity in their relationship now that they’re trying to get used to each other again.

He got to know Clint through Natasha after they’d graduated; he took a different path and never went to the Academy, never had the kind of formal training. Bucky knows it infuriates a lot of people who went there that Clint can a lot of times best them quite easily in their work. He’s not quite sure what exactly Natasha and Clint’s personal relationship is like now or has been in the past, he’s never asked and never will. He does know it’s significant and multifaceted, formative for both of them, and that they’re partners on the field first and foremost.

They reminisce a lot, but keep to easy topics, say nothing of missions and focus on the times in between, and talk of their more recent lives too. Bucky doesn’t say too much of it, even though he’s sure they read many truths from his silences, and instead he talks of Becca and her literary aspirations, as well as her possible match with Henry Proctor. Hearing his name, Natasha says he’s one of the more level headed young men of the high class, a high praise coming from her, and it makes Bucky even more secure in his assessment that Becca is on a good path.

At one point Clint mentions Cap, and Bucky perks up almost involuntarily. “You mean Captain America.”

“You seem interested in him,” Clint says, shrewd in the way he is.

Natasha grins, suddenly delighted, which usually doesn’t bode well for the object. “Ah, yes, he is your type after all, you always did have a penchant for blonds.”

It’s not entirely untrue, only the reason is different from what Natasha probably thinks. Truth is, fair haired people still bring Steve to the foreground of Bucky’s mind, and hence are likelier to turn his head. Not that it’s the reason for his interest in Captain America. “I didn’t even know he’s a blond, I’ve never seen an image of him without the helmet,” he points out, knowing it would be useless to try and deny being interested.

“So you’ve got a boner for his morals, then?” Clint laughs at Bucky’s expression of horror toward the suggestion.

“No. I mean, he seems to have the right kind of values, and it’s kind of tangentially related to why I’m curious. Shuri told me that I was only the second outsider to be given Vibranium, and that he was the first. She just didn’t tell me why.”

“It’s true about the Vibranium,” Natasha says. “I know he got a piece of it, and Tony created an alloy of it with steel and made the shield, but I haven’t heard why he got it in the first place. It happened before we met.”

“We can arrange a meeting for the two of you, so you can ask about it. And admire his blond locks,” Clint adds, and ducks to avoid Bucky’s shove.

Bucky’s hesitant about the possibility, but then again, it might turn out well, and interesting at the very least, if he were to meet the Avengers. He could ask Captain America about Wakanda. He could ask Tony Stark about his big analytical machine.

Maybe he could even ask about Steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, maybe you should ask about Steve, Bucky...


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Natasha invites Bucky to the hottest gathering of the season.

There is an added benefit to Natasha’s presence, either her visiting or Bucky going out to see her, because his parents take it as a sign of him starting to come out of his shell, and they actually pester him less about being social. They’re not yet concerned of who she is, they’re happy that he’s up and about, taking part in the society voluntarily rather than because they or Becca have asked. They probably think it’ll be good for him to get into the swing of things first, and will worry about suitable company later. Bucky lets them think what they want, and besides, they’re not entirely wrong about it, because he is opening up. He’s just not intent on heading toward the direction of being a mostly idle society gentleman they probably expect.

He goes out with Natasha a few times, meets with her and Clint again, and it almost starts to feel normal, as if he now belongs in the city in a way he so far hadn’t allowed himself to. They still have their own activities, so Bucky spends a lot of time by himself with his books as well as occasionally escorting Becca around. It’s not a drastic change looking from the outside, but it is significant for him.

About a month after Natasha reappeared into his life, she sends a note to him that there’s a gathering at the Stark Mansion, Tony Stark’s personal residence and workshop, as well as the rumored headquarters of the Avengers, and that she expects him to attend. Bucky knows it’s a request better not ignored, and honestly he’s curious as well. Maybe he will get to meet Captain America.

A traitorous part of his mind floats up the crazy thought that maybe, just maybe Steve will be there too. And maybe they can patch things up. As soon as the thought surfaces, Bucky pushes it away. There’s no use daydreaming, only disappointment will result from it.

It’s not a formal party, but it’s still an occasion where people probably come to be seen. Bucky himself isn’t too interested in that, but he always has been just a bit concerned about how he comes across, with his upbringing it would be almost impossible not to be, and he used to always want to look good, because he enjoyed the attention it brings. For a long time now he’s been hiding, and with it has only worn clothes that are decent, warm enough, and when in the city not deliberately insulting or breaching the etiquette. He could now go with the usual black and white and be done with it, proper and not particularly interesting, but he suddenly doesn’t want to.

Instead of going with black, he chooses a jacket and trousers in very dark gray, tailored slim to accent the shape of his body. He picks a crisp white shirt, a black cravat, and a waistcoat in shimmery burgundy. It’s not as flashy a suit as he’s ever seen, but it’s not boring, and it’s also a step away from the military aesthetic. It feels like the right thing for him now, and there’s even a bit of anticipation in him for the outing.

At the night of the party he stands in front of the mirror, pulling on his white kid gloves. Everything is immaculately pressed, his hair is smoothed and tied back, his shoes are shined. With the gloves on, his metal arm is hidden, and he’s once more grateful for the Wakandan technology that means it’s almost silent. He has seen a few other mechanical arms not made in Wakanda, and while they work marvelously well, there’s always a very audible clicking in the mechanism, making them much harder to hide. Bucky isn’t ashamed of his arm, he just doesn’t want to talk of it and what caused him to need it, an almost inevitable conversation whenever people see it. He nods at his reflection, actually satisfied with what he sees, grabs his hat and cloak, and heads out.

As he expected there is a group of reporters in front of the Stark Mansion, with some attendees talking to them, probably trying to impress their own importance. Bucky walks past all of them without pausing or hurrying, keeping just the kind of a pace someone completely uninteresting would assume. As he passes he wonders if the Avengers who haven’t got a public identity assume the same strategy or if they’ve arrived earlier. People even speculate that at least a few of them live here, so it would mean only having to come down the stairs for them to attend the party.

Natasha finds him almost immediately after he walks in, slipping her arm around his, and he’s grateful for it, grateful for the company, since he doesn’t know that many people there, at least not personally. Some he recognizes from the society, some due to the work they’ve done and the status gained by it, but she and Clint are the only ones he has a personal relationship with. There’s a small orchestra playing, food and drinks are on offer, and all in all it’s not that unusual kind of a party, remarkable only due to the people in attendance.

They say hello to Clint, who’s sitting on a window sill with a drink in hand, and Maria Hill, who Bucky knew of but had never met so far. Meeting her, he can see a part of what makes Natasha hold her in a high esteem, there’s a sense of quiet competence in her, confidence that seems unshakable.

Sitting on a small sofa by the wall they find a man with curly hair and tightness in his eyes reading a book, and Natasha introduces him as Dr Bruce Banner. To Bucky’s inquiry, Banner says he specializes in biological chemistry and has also researched effects of electricity and magnetism on living beings. He seems both keen about his field and yet reluctant to talk of it, so Bucky just says that he’s fascinated with sciences himself, although astronomy and the analytical machines are more of his thing.

“You should find Tony or Jane to talk to, they’ve more expertise in those fields than I do,” Banner says.

Tony is obviously Stark, but the other name doesn’t immediately ring a bell for Bucky. “Jane?”

“Dr Foster. She’s one of our premier astronomers, she’s somewhere in here,” Banner explains, and it causes a bit of a thrill for Bucky, because he actually has read some of her papers.

“Thor is her boyfriend,” Natasha adds, confusing Bucky more.

“Thor?”

“Right, you wouldn’t know. He’s one of us too, big blond guy, has a penchant for hitting criminals with a hammer,” Natasha explains, and Bucky notes it’s funny how the connections work here.

“I think I heard my name, are you bad-mouthing me?”

When Bucky turns to look Stark is there, wearing a deep red shirt under a golden brocade waistcoat and no jacket, predictably flashy as is his trademark. He throws himself on the couch next to Banner, and peers at Bucky.

“You’re the friend that the lady here mentioned, aren’t you?”

“He is,” Natasha says while Bucky is still thrown by the sudden scrutiny. “Bruce just said he should talk to you about analytical machines, they’re an interest of his.”

Stark brightens considerably. “You should, we’ve passed the capacity of SHIELD at the new facility, you should come and see it some time. I’ll contact you. Oh, Pepper’s there, got to run, good meeting.”

Bucky only nods, because Stark is gone already before he gets a word in, and Banner shakes his head and Natasha laughs under her breath.

“That’s how he always is, but you can get used to it,” Banner says, and Bucky detects a definite fondness in his tone.

“Did he mean it about showing me his analytical machine?”

“No doubt. He keeps his cards close to chest, but when he decides someone is the right kind of a person, he’ll latch onto them.” At Bucky’s confusion, Banner adds, “Tony never takes much time to decide whether someone is the right type, but then again he’s pretty good at picking the right people.”

They continue their round of the room, and when they’ve left Banner Natasha murmurs just for Bucky that he is actually the Hulk. She promises to explain later in detail, and just says it was an experiment with chemicals and electricity gone wrong. It explains the skittishness Bucky saw in Banner, and he admires the man for going forward in his life even with what happened, finding something productive to do rather than moping around. He knows after all that it’s all too easy to just not bother.

They also meet Thor and Dr Foster. Thor is the biggest man Bucky’s ever seen, a somewhat funny contrast to the tiny Jane Foster. They talk a bit about astronomy, and she too invites Bucky to come and see her at the observatory sometime. The party turns out to be a lot more interesting than Bucky expected, there are connections opening that may lead him to be able to pursue his interests outside of his own library, and now he actually thinks he’d like to try.

Natasha breaks into a smile and waves at someone, and when Bucky looks he sees a man with a bright answering smile making his way toward them. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out there’s something going on between the two of them, and when the man introduces himself as Sam Wilson Bucky shakes his head and smiles as well. He hopes Natasha is finding happiness beyond the work, something that has in the past been difficult for her.

Sam seems like a good guy, someone Bucky thinks he could become friends with, but he finds it difficult to focus on the conversation, because he spots a tall man in the crowd, his back toward them. Bucky can only see a perfectly coiffed golden hair and broad shoulders tapering into a narrow waist, all encased in an impeccably tailored blue jacket. He doesn’t know how he knows, but he’s instantly sure this is Captain America. As the crowd moves, he also sees who the man is talking to, and it’s a new surprise to recognize Sharon Carter, although maybe it shouldn’t be, considering he knew Captain America had some sort of contact with SHIELD. He remembers meeting her once or twice when she came along with her aunt to visit the Rogers house. Instead of the teenaged girl Bucky remembers she’s now a woman, even when her outfit appears younger than she is, making her look more innocent than her age would suggest. Bucky wonders about it, but the thought disappears as he’s interrupted.

Natasha squeezes his arm and he looks at her again, remembering he’s in a middle of a conversation. “Sorry, I was distracted.”

“I noticed. Sam, could you ask Steve to come here for a moment, we should make introductions.” Sam nods at her, turns around, and is soon greeting Captain America.

Bucky was surprised by the name, and he already reminded himself it’s not a rare name, only to have ice flow up his spine when he sees Captain America’s face, because it’s Steve. His Steve. It should be impossible, considering he is something like twice as big as Bucky remembers, but it’s not a case of uncanny likeness. Bucky knows it inside himself, this is his Steve, somehow, and he’s now coming toward them with Sam, with a slight frown between his brows, the expression achingly familiar to Bucky.

Natasha makes the introductions, and Bucky somehow manages a greeting even though he has no idea what he says, with Steve’s familiar voice calling him Mr Barnes ringing in his ears. There’s a bit of small talk, and all through it Steve is coolly polite, something that obviously confuses Sam and Natasha. After a couple of minutes Steve makes an excuse and leaves, and it’s honestly a relief, because Bucky doesn’t know if he was about to combust or freeze solid. He doesn’t say anything, just turns on his heels and heads toward the entrance, not caring that he’s being rude. He needs to get away.

Natasha catches him at the door. “What’s wrong? Why’d you get so weird about Steve, do you know him? Because he too behaved strangely.”

Bucky gently takes her hand that’s grasping his arm and detaches is. “I can’t talk about it right now. Later, I promise, but I need to sort out my thoughts.”

She looks at him for a long moment before nodding, and Bucky sees right when it clicks in her head, that Steve must be the friend concerning whom Bucky asked advice from her over a decade ago. “Okay. But if I don’t hear from you in a week, I’ll come looking for you.”

“Understood.”

He gets his cloak and hat, and heads out, the cool night air stinging his warm cheeks. Nothing makes sense to him right now, so he pushes everything away for now and only concentrates on getting home.

***

At home Bucky barely has any energy left, he just wants to fall into the bed, but he makes himself strip out of the party clothes first. They feel too much like a reminder, keeping him in the state of almost panic. It’s better in his nightshirt, but he doesn’t think he’s going to fall asleep that easily despite the exhaustion.

The morning light finds him staring at the ceiling, having not slept a wink. The night passed with him deliberately not thinking of the party, but now in the light of day he finally makes himself face it. Steve is Captain America. In a way it makes sense, everything he’s heard of the man, whether it’s the stories of him as a leader of a team in special forces, or now as an Avenger, fits the kind of person Steve was back when Bucky knew him. There’s the determination to do the right thing and not count the cost for himself, which Bucky well recognizes.

And there must have been a cost to it all, only Bucky doesn’t know what it was or is. Maybe Steve doesn’t see it that way, considering he’s now not only hale and hearty but more than that, perfect really. No longer limited by his body the way he was in his youth.

Based on the rumors Bucky has heard, Captain America was a result of some sort of a project headed by the military and SHIELD together, there had been the intention to have more soldiers like him, but it never went forward. Something happened, and Steve is the only one. It’s obvious how Steve got into it, it must have been via Director Carter, although Bucky wonders how she convinced the others in the project to take Steve on. Also, he doesn’t quite understand why she would have done it, because she was a friend of Mrs Rogers and must have known she never wanted the life of a soldier for her son, especially because of what happened to his father. Maybe it’s simply that Director Carter put more weight on Steve’s wishes than those of others. Not that the motives matter anymore, it’s done already.

Bucky must accept the fact of it, however ludicrous it is, even though now that he’s no longer in Steve’s presence, it almost feels like he must have been a hallucination. He wasn’t though, Bucky knows his crazy wish of meeting Steve in the party became halfway true; they did indeed meet, but there doesn’t seem to be much chance for reconciliation, at least based on Steve’s demeanor toward him. It’s something he’ll just have to accept, he made his bed and now he has to lie in it.

He is still happy to know that Steve is doing well for himself, but at the same time there’s a new fear making its way into his heart. Steve is an Avenger, a soldier, and the life he leads is dangerous even for someone like him. There’s also something Bucky becomes conscious of only now that he thinks back; that despite appearing completely in control and composed, there was something in Steve that told Bucky he wasn’t exactly comfortable. It felt like there was a barrier that Steve held up between himself and the world, and Bucky is mostly sure it wasn’t just something that happened because of him. He thinks now that maybe Steve isn’t quite as happy as one might think just from a glance at his life and achievements.

He knows too, that he’ll have to talk to Natasha about this fairly soon. It’s an odd coincidence, that she would have heard something of Steve through Bucky, and only later get to know him herself, unaware of him being the friend Bucky talked about. Bucky again wonders how different things would be now if he’d talked more of Steve with Natasha, enough for her to recognize Steve when they first met.

She’s probably going to ask about it from Steve too, she’s curious enough to do so anyway, and from what little they’ve talked, Bucky has an impression that they’re genuinely friends. It’s a shame that there might now be a rift between the two of them, considering Natasha never lets people in too easily. Bucky hates to be a reason for difficulty between her and someone she clearly trusts.

First he has to figure out how he wants to proceed, and only after that he can talk about it with her. He doesn’t want the decision to be influenced by anything other than how he feels himself, so for now he’s going to keep quiet, and not talk of the matter even with Becca. She will probably be hankering for him to arrange a meeting with Steve when Bucky ends up telling her, because she always liked him, never cared that he was poor unlike their parents did.

Bucky hauls himself up, washes, and dresses before heading to his library. He rings for his breakfast to be brought there, because he is in no mood to weather questions about the party. There are much more important things for him to consider.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now what will you do, Bucky?


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky tries in several ways to process meeting Steve again, some of them less advisable than others.

For the first time since his last mission that cost him his arm, Bucky goes out with the purpose of getting good and drunk three days after meeting Steve again. He’s been deliberately careful, because he knows it would be too easy to drown in it, and hence he’s never had more than a couple at a time since returning home, but this is a special case. He has of course had drinks at home, and he has also gone out before now, with Becca and some other people of their social circle, and later also with Natasha and Clint, but he’s always been even more careful then, uncomfortable to let any of his control go in public.

Now though, he has stewed in his thoughts for three days, relived memories and examined choices made long ago, and he can’t do it anymore. He wants to fill his mind with the fog of drunkenness and the noise of others so he doesn’t have to listen to the thoughts filling his head. He knows going out in the state of mind he’s in is probably a monumentally stupid idea, but he still dresses in a set of plain clothes and makes a trek to a part of the city where people of their parents’ circle never find except by accident and even then they’ll turn up their noses and leave as fast as they can. It’s easy to find a hole in a wall place where they’ll sell him all the cheap whiskey he wants and will leave him alone otherwise.

He’s downed about half the bottle when someone takes a seat at his table, and when he looks up with as sour an expression as he can, he immediately feels suspicious to see it’s Brock Rumlow, wearing similarly plain clothes as he is, hiding his status. Bucky never knew him that well personally, and never sought his company outside of missions. Rumlow was a year above him in the Academy, and was selected to the Strike Force right after graduation much like Bucky was, only he works in a team rather than as a solitary agent like Bucky mostly did. They had to collaborate sometimes, and Bucky always thought Rumlow was too ruthless, which was saying something considering he too had the kind of a job that had tarnished his soul in no time.

“I’m not looking for company,” Bucky says, allowing his voice slur just a bit, slouching down as someone who’s drank half a bottle should.

Thing is, he isn’t actually that drunk. He can feel the effect of the drink, he wouldn’t react as fast or as sharply as he would completely sober, but he’s not muddled at all. He doesn’t know what exactly they did to him in Wakanda when they saved his life, but it was more than just regular doctoring. He knows it was something just as unusual as his arm is, and he was told there could be changes beyond just his healing, but he’d asked then to not know anything other than that it wouldn’t be dangerous. He just hadn’t wanted to deal with any of it then, and he isn’t sure if he wants to even now, but it seems he might have to. He does know he can get by with less sleep than he used to, and that he’s stronger than before, although to what degree he doesn’t know because he’s never put it to test properly. Apparently he can’t get properly drunk either. None of this is something he’s about to reveal to Rumlow, who’s looking at him with interest that’s making Bucky uneasy.

“How about a job then?” Rumlow says, and Bucky is even more sure he wants nothing to do with whatever this is. “You’ve got skills, and it must be boring to just play around in the society. More than that, your new company suggests you’re seeking excitement. Lord Pierce has a vision, and you’d do well to hop in.”

“I think once was quite enough for me to be left for dead, I’m not keen on repeating the experience.” Bucky puts as much finality in his voice as he can, speaking clearly now, and when Rumlow looks about to protest and keep up with his sales pitch, Bucky fixes him with the look that scared a lot of people during his years as an operative.

It still works, because Rumlow falls silent and huffs before getting up and muttering, “Your loss.”

When he’s gone Bucky empties his glass and leaves via the back door, keeping an eye on the surroundings. No one follows him on the way home, and it’s only there he realizes that maybe he should have thanked Rumlow after all, because for a moment Steve wasn’t right on the top of his mind.

***

A week after the party Bucky sends a note to Natasha saying he’s ready to talk. Not that he feels completely ready, it’s just that right now he feels like he never will be, and putting the discussion away isn’t going to help, nor is it great toward her either. She has always been a good friend of his, and while he knows he could have, and in retrospect probably should have, been more open with her about Steve, it’s not too late now. He can start by doing better, especially since Natasha has in a way already been tangled in the mess with Steve.

Back when they were young men on the cusp of adulthood, he and Steve agreed to sign up to the army together. Bucky already was lined up for a military career via his school, but Steve would have needed to enlist as a new recruit. Had he done it, it might have opened avenues for education and jobs that otherwise weren’t in Steve’s reach, and Steve had always had an interest in military strategies as well as desire to serve his country. Even then Steve had probably known he might be turned down if he applied by himself, but there was a loophole; the army held tight personal connections in value, and they might have taken him on alongside Bucky, and let them serve together. Bucky could have had a junior officer’s position right away, and in retrospect it might have been better for his consciousness, if less outwardly glamorous. The person he is now knows the apparent status of being part of the special forces, something that back then did entice him, isn’t worth much at all compared to the cost he paid.

On the other hand, the army life even in peacetime would have taken its toll on Steve’s health, and the opportunities afforded by it would have been in vain if he hadn’t been able to take an advantage of them. There was also the fact Mrs Rogers never wanted Steve to be a soldier, and Bucky had hated the idea of letting her down the way he would have if he and Steve had enlisted together.

In the end, he’d asked Natasha for advice, and she had told him that while loyalty was good, he should choose the path that most interested him, especially since Steve did have his art that could become a career. Bucky hadn’t gone into too many specifics back then when he discussed the matter with her, and hence her advice had mostly consisted of generalities. He still wonders if anything would have gone differently had he been more forthcoming.

She picks him up late next morning with a cab, which is a good idea. It’s the kind of a discussion Bucky wants privacy for, and this way they know no one is going to be listening, because they’re moving about, and the driver at the back can’t hear them through the roof over the sounds of the wheels and hoofs. After he’s seated she offers him a flask that turns out to contain vodka, and they pass it back and forth between them.

“This doesn’t really do much for me, these days,” he says, figuring it might as well be something else to start opening up about. “What they did in Wakanda to save my life, it changed me.”

She nods, but doesn’t ask for more, probably sensing Bucky is feeling things out. “Funnily enough, it’s the same for Steve, alcohol doesn’t really do anything.” There’s a thread of fondness in her voice, and Bucky finds himself smiling.

“Right through to the other end of spectrum then. He never used to be able to drink at all, it messed with his medications.”

After a few minutes during which Bucky looks out, staring at the buildings passing by, trying to not dive into the memories, Natasha speaks up. “He was that friend you asked my advice about, back at the Academy.” It’s not a question, she’s just confirming that she realized it already before.

“Did you talk to Steve about it?”

“No. He’s as shaken about this as you are, and I figured it was best to leave him alone for now.”

She shrugs, and Bucky again feels guilty, because she’s obviously Steve’s friend, and he knows how carefully she chooses those she gets close to. He hates being the reason there’s now tension between them. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about him. I wish I had, it might have made things easier now.”

She takes his hand in hers. “I grant you that, but you didn’t need to tell me. Our friendship doesn’t rest on us knowing everything about each other.”

“I know. But I’ve also realized it might have been wrong toward him, that I never talked about or introduced him to anyone, not properly.”

“Why didn’t you, then?”

“You know I was never comfortable in the circles of our family? And since you know Steve, you know he was from the outside of all that.”

“And you wanted to keep him separate, because it was a way for you to breathe every once in a while,” she concludes, her understanding of his motives perfect as usual.

“Yeah, and with that, I didn’t invite him to those circles, didn’t even talk of him because people are curious.”

“But would he have wanted to get into it anyway?” Natasha asks. “I mean, he’s to this day averse of the richer set. He gets along with Tony but only because in private Tony is the kind of a person that gets down and dirty himself. He was right there assembling his analytical machine with his technicians, and Steve appreciates that. It took me a fair bit of persuasion to get Steve to attend the party week ago.”

“You’re right, he didn’t like the idea even then, but I probably could have persuaded him, and who knows, maybe he would have gotten more art commissions. Maybe it would have looked more lucrative as a career, maybe he could have believed it really was worth pursuing his dream of being an artist the way he didn’t really dare back then, because he was too much of a realist. Maybe he would have been less keen on being a soldier.”

“And you wouldn’t have had to go back on your promise to go to the army with him,” Natasha says, cutting the string of maybes that are almost overwhelming Bucky.

“Nor ask your advice about it. I’m sorry about that too, I didn’t really give you enough information. Truth is, I wanted to keep him safe, and I just wanted someone else to justify it for me. I’ve been relying on your opinion that I did the right thing, I’ve been telling myself that his mother wouldn’t have wanted him to serve after what happened to his father, but really, that’s all tangential, I went back on my word, and he was right to cut contact with me.”

“Doesn’t mean it would have been right to help him get in either. It would have been best if you had never promised, but that probably wasn’t easy to see. If you’d kept your word, he wouldn’t have been mad at you right then, but he might have fallen ill or even died during the training, you know how miserable it is. That would have been a hell of a burden for you to bear. Now he’s at least still around, and maybe you can both think about it again, and reconcile.”

“I don’t know, it’s a tangle in my head, and I don’t know what is right or wrong. The crux is he thinks I didn’t respect him, not enough to allow him to walk his chosen path.”

She quirks her mouth. “There may be that, but then again, if you’d followed the plan, gone into service together, he would have been relying on you. In time that might have been a cause of different sort of resentment for both of you, and that might have been impossible to set aside. I’d say there’s some blame in both of you, although I do think the way you handled it, just disappearing without talking to him and only sending a letter wasn’t fair. That did rather send a message of disrespect.”

Bucky’s never thought about it like that, he guesses it’s possible there could have been guilt and resentment even if they’d gone to serve together rather than him taking the position with Strike Force. It would have come with different complications, and as Natasha says, it might not have been better. She does give him hope, though. It’s been years and he and Steve are both standing on their own now, maybe they can rebuild something given time. Bucky thinks he should pull himself together a bit more, Steve appears to be doing what he believes in, and maybe Bucky can too if he sets his mind on it.

It reminds him of the encounter at the bar a few days earlier. “Rumlow offered me a job.”

Her glance at him is sharp, and she tenses next to him. “What was it about?”

“Don’t know exactly, I told him I wasn’t interested before he finished his pitch. Something to do with Alexander Pierce.”

The tension stays, and she obviously carefully considers her response. “Right, you did well to say no, and you should in future as well.”

“What’s going on?”

“We don’t know yet for sure, it might be nothing. Maybe we’re overly paranoid, but there are some weird coincidences that have happened, and it pays to tread carefully around your old team.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

They’ve been driving through the city in a large circle, and Bucky asks to be dropped off, because he wants to walk back home and clear his head.

“I hope you can fix things with Steve, and that this thing with me doesn’t affect your friendship,” Bucky says after he’s stepped out.

She smiles and rearranges her skirts in the cab. “We’ve had our ups and downs, but we’re solid, we’ll get through. You think about what I said as well.”

Bucky nods and watches the cab drive away before heading home. He feels reinvigorated somehow, he’s been drifting since he came home from Wakanda, but recently he’s been getting more interested in things again, and maybe he really can make something of himself beyond just being a society gentleman. On the way back home he remembers Tony Stark offering him a chance to see the analytical machine, and he decides to send a note about it, see if he was serious. It’s one kind of a start.

***

Stark insists on picking him up, and Bucky probably should have expected something unconventional, but he’s completely thrown for a moment when Stark turns up in a carriage that doesn’t need horses. Apparently it’s called an automobile, a logical name when Bucky thinks of it. It garners more attention than he’s really that comfortable with, but it also works as a fantastic ice breaker. Not that Stark would need one, but Bucky forgets his reservations on the way to the Stark Industries facility as they talk about the specifications of the engine. It’s fascinating, even though not quite the branch of science he’s most interested in.

As they drive up they pass Steve’s mural again. It’s as vivid and beautiful as Bucky remembers, and he stares at it for as long as he can. Stark has fallen silent, uncharacteristically so, although Bucky only notices it when they stop and instead of hopping out Stark fixes him with a curious look.

“What’s your deal with Rogers anyway?” It comes out strangely neutral, as if there’s no weight on Bucky’s answer, and that Stark is asking just to satisfy his curiosity.

Bucky shakes his head. “Nothing at all.”

“Yeah, no one believes that, not with how shifty you looked just now, and the way he’s been brooding ever since you met at my party.”

Bucky sighs. “It’s true, though, there’s nothing. There used to be, but I’m not going to talk about that.”

He puts as much weight on the words as he can, but he’s still surprised when after a beat Stark nods and drops it, hopping off and gesturing at Bucky to follow him to the entrance. It’s a show of tact Bucky didn’t expect, not from the person everyone thinks they know Stark is, but it’s just another proof that there’s more to the man than meets the eye, or that he allows the public see. Bucky doesn’t think for a moment that the matter is completely closed, just that for now Stark has let it pass, but it’s good enough.

They walk through a hall bustling with workers, all focused on their tasks. There are people with sheafs of printed paper, others working on machines that Bucky recognizes as those used to create the punch cards or sew them together in long sequences ready to be fed into the machine. He follows Stark further into the building, fascinated already, but he forgets everything when they pass through another set of double doors.

The room is massive, as high as the whole building, and it’s housing Stark’s analytical machine that towers over them, dwarfing the technicians scurrying around on the walkways up near the ceiling. It must be made of millions of parts, most of it consisting of gleaming metal, there are warm shades of copper and bronze with some flashes of steel here and there. It’s massive, overwhelming, but beautiful too with its delicate movement as the gears count and store numbers according to the instructions fed in via the cards.

They spend over three hours around and even inside the machine, at first Stark talking and Bucky asking questions, but it becomes more of a conversation toward the end. Stark gives Bucky some documentation on the machine and its processes to study in peace, and he says that if he wants, Bucky is welcome to come and work with him anytime. Bucky doesn’t promise anything, but he knows there’s a large probability he’ll take it up. He feels at home in the facility, not purposeful yet, but there is potential, maybe a place where he can do something good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> At least Bucky's science nerd part is happy, even if the rest of him is conflicted.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a worrying sister, potential for future, and a very important meeting.

Bucky comes home from a ride with Natasha to find Becca in his room, sitting by the window and writing. It’s not uncommon for her to work there, it tends to be more peaceful because their parents are even now less likely to bother Bucky than her, but this time it feels like she’s passing time writing while waiting for him rather than just looking for quiet.

She greets him but doesn’t say anything else while he changes into more comfortable clothes and puts everything away. Only when he sits across from her she says, “I don’t know if I should be glad she’s found you again.”

Becca knows about Natasha, about how close she and Bucky were during their time at the Academy. Now that Bucky thinks of it, in a funny way she by virtue of being his sister is the most knowledgeable of his life even when her circles are somewhat different. She knows all about Steve, even when Bucky kept him separate from the rest of his friends, and she knows about his life at the Academy, of which he never talked much about with Steve, not wanting to rub his nose on it. Becca is the one who knew about it all, and hence has always had a clear picture of his life, enough that she’s usually been able to call him out when he’s deserved it. To his shame he hasn’t always heeded her advice.

Although he now realizes too, that had he talked of Natasha with Steve, their current situation would have probably played out differently. He wonders if Steve would have become such good friends with her as he apparently has, or if he’d have resented her. She told Bucky just today that there is still a strain between the two of them, but it’s lessening, they’re finding their way back to where they’ve been. It helps that Sam, who’s Natasha’s maybe boyfriend, she hasn’t elaborated on it with Bucky, is also Steve’s best friend.

Now that he’s older, after everything that has happened to him, he’s better able to look at himself and his past actions, and admit to himself what they were all about. One of them is the underlying reason why he never was comfortable about talking of Steve to Natasha, and vice versa. There always was the mess of feelings he had for Steve that he mostly pretended wasn’t there, and there had also been the undeniable attraction he’d felt toward Natasha for a while, even when he ended up never acting on it. It had felt wrong in his head to let them mix. Now, over the years they’ve known each other he’s at least settled into the friendship with Natasha, and he no longer wonders what it would be like if they entered a romance. He no longer wants to, and it makes everything easier. The mess about Steve is still as tangled as ever, even after years of separation.

It’s all complicated, but right now he wants to hear why specifically Becca is hesitating on whether she’s happy about his and Natasha’s friendship. “What makes you unsure?”

“Well, on one hand you’re socializing without it looking like you’re forcing yourself for the first time since you came back from Wakanda, which is great. On the other hand, something has shaken you, badly. There’s a wound in you, something new.”

She’s very perceptive, Bucky has always known it, and yet he somehow is surprised by her fairly often. This time it’s simple to sort her question out, though, and Bucky realizes he wants her to know, wants to confide in her.

“You’re right, on both of those things. She’s helped me find people that I get along with better, and I think I’m starting to find my place here the way you have already done.”

She smiles. “I’m glad.”

“And the wound, well, maybe it is the right word. It’s not her fault, though. It’s just that I ran into Steve among the people she knows. Becca, he’s Captain America.”

The kaleidoscope of emotions on her face is funny, it goes from understanding to chagrin to confusion to disbelief. She blinks at him, three times, clearly waiting for him to break and confess it’s a joke. “What?”

He explains her about the mural at the Stark Industries facility and the meeting at the party. She has a lot of questions, not all of which he has answers for, since he doesn’t know how exactly Steve became Captain America. He has his guesses, but he hasn’t yet asked about it. Natasha would probably know.

They pass the rest of the evening talking about other things, she tells him of her writing and how she’s progressing, and he’s happy enough to just be with her despite the underlying turmoil in his heart.

***

The next time Natasha arrives to take him out for a drive, they set out at dusk, and he suspects it’s more than just one of their usual rounds, since they tend to go during the afternoons which are the socially acceptable times for drives. Not that either of them particularly cares about being perfectly proper in society’s eyes, but Natasha at least has places to be in the evenings. Soon enough it’s obvious his hunch is correct, because they’re headed for the outskirts of the city.

After they’ve exchanged the immediate news, Bucky casts around for something to talk about, knowing there’s no point in trying to wheedle their destination out of Natasha. He finally decides he might as well ask the question that’s been plaguing him ever since he met Steve at the party.

“How exactly did Steve become Captain America? I can guess some parts of it, but not in the way that would make sense as whole for me.”

“I don’t think it’s my story to tell,” Natasha says, but she squeezes his hand in conciliation.

“But you do know?”

“I do know. What is it you’ve guessed? I think I can at least tell you if you’re going at it completely wrong.”

“I’m guessing it happened via Director Carter. She was a friend of their family, and I know Captain America has connections with SHIELD.”

“But something about that bothers you.” She doesn’t confirm it, but the follow up question is at least a tentative indicator toward it being true. Or maybe he’s just taking it that way, and she knows it.

“I just don’t get why Director Carter would have done it. She was a good friend of Mrs Rogers, and she would have known that Mrs Rogers never wanted Steve to become a soldier. Not after what happened to Mr Rogers.”

“Probably. But then again, she might have put more weight on what what Steve wanted.”

It’s something Bucky has considered before; it makes sense because Steve would have volunteered for something like this in a heartbeat, and yet Bucky is still hesitant to believe he’d have been taken on just like that. “It must have been risky, there’s only one of him, and if it had been something easy, we’d know it because there would be platoons of soldiers like him.”

“As in people that heal and metabolize uncommonly fast or are stronger than they should be?” She glances at him and Bucky wants to withdraw, he doesn’t like thinking of how he’s different as a result of what was done to him in Wakanda.

“But you’re right,” she continues. “There aren’t whole platoons of soldiers powered by the serum. Although, I think even if there were, there still wouldn’t be anyone else like him.” Her voice is warm when she says it, and Bucky sees then the depth of respect she has for Steve, something that’s not easily earned.

“No, there wouldn’t be.”

***

Bucky is delighted to find they’re at the observatory when they finally arrive to their destination. Apparently Dr Foster is there this night, and Natasha had asked if it was okay for them to come for a visit. Bucky would worry about being in the way, but Dr Foster’s invitation to stop by delivered at the party had been genuine, and she seems more than happy to talk of her research.

Bucky tells her how his fascination with stars began in Wakanda while he was recovering in a room with a big window and a view to the clear sky, unpolluted by smoke like New York is. She makes a face, agreeing with him about the difficulty of observing the sky in the city, saying the most precise observations have to be done at sites without pollution, light or smoke.

“Might get better at least when it comes to the smoke if Stark’s attempt at clean energy works,” Natasha points out. “The arc reactor is very impressive, and it already powers his analytical machine.”

The remark leads to them talking about the calculations, and while Dr Foster has been thinking they should start looking into having the machines help them with the analysis and calculations, she so far hasn’t found suitable people who’d have interest in both astronomy and mechanical computing. Natasha grins at Bucky then, and he knows she might as well be in his head, because it sounds exactly the kind of a thing he’d like to do. He doesn’t promise anything yet, but he asks a lot of questions, and they agree to meet again to discuss the matter with Doctor Foster.

All in all it’s a good few hours, and as they start back toward home after midnight, he pulls Natasha into a hug in the carriage. “Thank you. You’ve been helping me so much lately.”

“You’re welcome. You know how much I like to meddle with the affairs of my friends. You’re a very satisfying case.”

They both laugh, and talk about everything and nothing the whole way back, Bucky’s heart light.

***

Bucky has been taking his walks to different parks in the city, and it’s turn for Prospect Park. He likes the forested areas, even now that the leaves are down and it’s fairly cold. It’s sunny at least, and the colors around are all warm browns of the earth and trees, as well as blues of the water and sky, rather than grays. He takes some smaller paths through the park, away from the fashionable people strolling around, all of them intent on being seen, and finds an artist by one of the small lakes. His first thought is that it must not be that comfortable to be drawing while it’s so cold, and only second that he actually knows who it is. He must be excused for that since in his head Steve is first and foremost still in his previous slim form.

It only takes seconds to recognize him, but by then Steve has already turned around, has seen him, and Bucky decides right then and there that he can be mature about it, even if his nerves are trying to turn his stomach. He gets now too, where the apparently casual remark by Natasha that he might enjoy this particular park came from. It’s no secret she thinks they should talk with Steve, and while she so far hasn’t actively tried to maneuver them into meeting, apparently she has now started facilitating it.

Bucky walks closer and Steve stays still, his eyes inscrutable as he watches Bucky’s approach. It’s obvious he’s waiting for Bucky to decide how things will move forward. 

Bucky says, “Hi, Steve,” when he’s close enough that it would be awkward to not say something. Steve greets him with a “hi” of his own, and turns back toward his easel.

Steve is wearing similar clothes as Bucky is, ones that hide the shape of his body as much possible, and while well made aren’t fashionable or obviously expensive. With a hat and the easel anyone who doesn’t know him personally probably wouldn’t connect him with Captain America. Bucky comes to stand next to him and looks across the lake. They’re quiet, but surprisingly it’s not awkward, even though there’s certainly tension hovering around them. In the end Bucky is surprised that Steve ends up being the one to break the silence.

“Natasha calls you James, is that what you go by now?”

“No. She’s always called me that, but the people who called me Bucky still do.” Steve hums, but doesn’t give any indication whether he’s going to, and Bucky casts around for something else, a far cry from the ease of conversation he used to enjoy with Steve. In the end he settles for a truth. “I wish now I’d talked about her with you, during the holidays from the Academy.”

Steve glances at him, a flash of the bright blue of his eyes that Bucky has never forgotten, before again concentrating on the scene forming on his paper. His lips move, as if he tries on the words before speaking them aloud. “It probably wouldn’t have gone that well, talks like that. I mean, I wouldn’t have taken it well,” he admits, and Bucky is honestly taken back, because Steve never used to like admitting he was wrong, and based on the flush on his cheeks he still doesn’t. The color darkens when Steve looks up, but his gaze is steady. “It wasn’t fair of me to expect you to help me, back then. For that I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Bucky says, automatically, but he believes he means it too even when he hasn’t quite processed it all for himself after spending years of trying to avoid thinking any of it. “I shouldn’t have just left without telling you. I’m sorry too.”

Steve glances at him again and nods, some tension bleeding away from his shoulders, but Bucky doesn’t think he’s quite forgiven yet, Steve always had a hard time with that. But the step is taken, and maybe they’ll make it yet.

“How’s Becca doing?” Steve asks, and he appears to be genuinely interested. Bucky knows he always liked her, even when he didn’t much care about their parents or the lifestyle they led.

“She’s good, great really. Happy. Got engaged yesterday.”

“What, really? I have a hard time imagining her as old enough, she was just a girl when I last saw her.” Steve is startled, but he looks very pleased to hear.

“Yeah, to Henry Proctor.”

“I’ve met him, seemed like a good man.” Steve is nodding, and Bucky is glad to have another opinion that supports his belief Becca will be alright.

“I think so too, and he is supportive of her writing, so that goes a long way.”

“Good.”

They fall into silence again, Steve drawing the brown trees and the lake reflecting the blue sky with soft pastels, the colors fading into each other. It’s still not exactly awkward, but there isn’t any of the particular warmth there used to be between the two of them when they spent time together. It’s no surprise really, it would take a long time to bring down the barriers between them. Bucky lingers for a moment, but decides it’s better to go, this has been more successful than he dared to expect, and he doesn’t want to push his luck.

“I’m glad to see you’re still drawing, and the mural at Stark factory is beautiful,” he says and starts heading out. He makes ten steps before Steve calls after him.

“Bucky.” Steve waits for him to turn before continuing. “Tony mentioned you seemed interested in his analytical machine. If you’re going to work with him, maybe you should be forewarned that he’ll meddle with anything and everything, and inevitably you’ll get mad at him. But he’s a good man, worth the occasional irritation.”

“I guess you’re speaking from personal experience,” Bucky says and Steve cracks a first proper smile.

“Yeah, we’ve definitely had our ups and downs.”

Steve doesn’t elaborate, and it threatens to get awkward with the two of them just staring at each other.

“I’ll see you around,” Bucky says, and turns to go when Steve nods.

Later that night Becca rushes into his room, carrying a folder, and thrusts it on top of the specifications of the analytical machine that Bucky’s been reading, making the papers flutter all around.

“Look at this,” she demands, delight obvious in her voice, and Bucky forgets to scold her for messing things up when he does take a look.

It’s the drawing Bucky saw Steve working on earlier, now carefully finished and signed. Along with it there is Steve’s card, and behind it is written,  _ Congratulations on your engagement. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They even managed a civilized conversation and some honesty, if a bit awkwardly:D


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky goes to another party, and it's no less confusing than the previous one.

Over the next few days Bucky deliberately stops himself from going back to Prospect Park. He’d asked about it from Natasha after meeting Steve there, and she’d completely unashamedly confirmed that she’d recommended it to him because Steve goes there often. Apparently his parents used to like walking there before he was born, which makes the trip worth it for him, and she had indeed hoped Bucky would meet him there. It’s obvious she believes they can eventually work through the barrier between the two of them, and it’s not just wistful thinking from her because they used to be friends. She knows the both of them, and it’s reassuring to Bucky that in her opinion it’s not too late for them, even though there are nights when he lies in his bed and thinks it’s too much to hope for.

He is more optimistic after the meeting in the park. He wouldn’t call it friendly or even easy, but there had been genuine interaction at least, and not just polite exchange of words. They’d touched on the sore subject between them, and it has paved way forward, Bucky can see it stretching ahead, although he doesn’t yet know if it’ll carry him all the way to the end. He wants to meet Steve again, and at the same time he dreads it, is uncertain about it, and all in all he’s more confused than he ever was. He has decided to not deliberately seek Steve out for at least a few days, he thinks it’s probably better to let their meeting settle before going forward. Besides, there is a party he’s been invited and that his parents very much want him to go to, a veritable affair of who’s who. He’d normally hate such occasions, but now that he knows he might meet Steve again the prospect suddenly isn’t daunting at all.

In the meanwhile he’s been poring over the documentation of Stark’s analytical machine, as well as the research notes sent to him by Dr Foster, and he’s already started sketching a program that might help with the calculations. It would take care of the parts that are relatively simple but numerous, and hence would take a lot of time from a human being to do. If the machine could do the calculations, it would leave the scientists free to consider the more complicated matters that require human insight. He doesn’t quite know enough to complete the program yet, he needs to learn more both about the machine as well as astronomy, but he can at least see it would be possible, and it’s exhilarating enough. He’s already set up new meetings with both Dr Foster and Stark, and can’t wait to get along with the project.

Becca comes up to his room later that evening. She’s still wearing her hat and carrying her gloves and card case, indicating she came to him directly from the drive she was on with Henry. Bucky is frankly a bit amazed their parents allow her to go out alone with him, for all that they’re engaged, because appearances are so important to them. But perhaps the fact that the wedding date is set and preparations are in full swing already is distracting their mother enough, even when it’s still months away.

“You were right, it is strange to see Steve the way he’s now,” Becca says, and Bucky snaps to attention.

“You saw Steve?”

“He was at the teahouse we stopped at, with Director and Miss Carter.”

“Ah. Did you talk to him?”

“A little. Of course I wanted to thank him in person for the drawing, and Director Carter said she enjoys living in our house. She said she’s tried to get Steve to visit but he hasn’t.”

“Well, we know he hasn’t been back since his mother passed, so it’s not so strange, I guess.”

Becca sits down next to him, leaning on his shoulder. “He was very friendly to me, but he didn’t ask about you. I thought at one point he considered it, but decided against. Do you think you’ll ever be friends like you used to be?”

Bucky huffs. “It can’t be what it used to be, too much water under the bridge. But, in time, I think we can find friendship again.”

“I hope so. You were never as happy as you were with him, and even that afternoon you met him you looked better than you have in ages.”

She goes then, leaving him with that little bit of insight. Of course Bucky knows Steve was a huge presence in his life, but that just them talking for a bit should be visible in his demeanor is something else. Even now, many years after their closeness, Steve’s effect on him is still strong and lasting, and by now Bucky is sure that whatever happens, part of him will always yearn for Steve.

***

Even though he’s not as opposed to being there as he would have been just a few weeks ago, it really can’t be said that Bucky’s enjoying the party. It’s mostly full of people extremely conscious of their own status, all of them eager to show off, and he really doesn’t care at all. His parents are just the same, and Bucky leaves them as soon as they arrive, since Becca also escapes with Henry.

Bucky takes a glass of whiskey and slowly walks around, the casually bored expression he perfected in his youth coming in handy again. It helps to look like you’re above all of the maneuvering, it affords him some respect from other people, but they also leave him alone, because they don’t want to invite discussion on how hard they’re trying. Of course, there are always some exceptions, some people are intrigued by the boredom and want to draw him out, but it still allows him to pass through the crowds faster while he’s looking for company he actually likes.

Unfortunately, the company that finds him is perhaps even more complicated than coming up to Steve would be, which is saying a lot. Alexander Pierce is one of the most influential people in the whole country, and among other things on top of the command chain of Bucky’s former unit. Many others in his position wouldn’t bother getting to know the soldiers and agents, but he visited the barracks regularly, sometimes inviting groups for a dinner at a club or even at his house. Bucky always thought Pierce knew disconcertingly much about everyone, remembered a lot more than was actually comfortable, even though there never was anything he considered very sinister about him. In fact, Pierce always was fond of giving speeches on duty and honor, on the necessity of giving one’s best. They were often the kinds of topics Bucky could have imagined Steve talking about, and yet, there was always something just a bit wrong, something that made Bucky uncomfortable while listening, suspicious of the underlying motives. Not enough to mention it to anyone else, but certainly to make him think.

He’s polite when Pierce comes to talk to him, almost fatherly in his worry about Bucky’s wellbeing, already aware that he had been in Wakanda and that he’s recovered. Bucky keeps his replies as uninformative as possible without being rude, and doesn’t drop the bored expression, which maybe backfires a bit.

“This is all well,” Pierce says, gesturing around them, “but it can get boring, especially for someone as highly trained as yourself. Stop by at my office if you ever want to fill your days with something worthwhile. I’m sure Agent Rumlow would be delighted to work with you again.”

Bucky makes a noncommittal hum and bows out of the conversation when someone else comes vying for Pierce’s attention. He idly wonders what Rumlow would actually think, considering Bucky ran him away at the bar the previous time they met. He also has no intention whatsoever to take up the offer. After giving it some thought, he’s realized the way they were treated during that last mission as disposable despite high training makes him uneasy, makes him wonder if there were some underlying motives he never knew about. He also doubts that his position in whatever Pierce is building would be something different from what he already experienced. He wants a different sort of life now.

He comes out of his musings when he pauses at a balcony to look down and sees Steve. There’s a crowd, but Bucky’s eye draws to him immediately, the shade of gold crowning his head still familiar, even though it now rises over most of those around him. It’s funny to look at how the crowd converges around Steve, people wanting to be near him, wanting to see him and  to be seen with him, to talk to him. There’s a sudden surge of annoyance in Bucky, he’s angry that now all these people are all over Steve when before they wouldn’t have given him the time of day. He recognizes a definite sense of,  _ I was here first, _ even when it comes with an acknowledgment that he gave that right away, not to mention he never made it any easier for Steve to move up in the society. It might be hypocritical, but it’s still a feeling he has.

He also can’t help but notice the breadth of Steve’s shoulders, the way they’re accentuated by his slim hips and the cut of his jacket. He faintly remembers considering it already at Stark’s party, but his thought process had been derailed by the revelation it was Steve, and after that his thoughts had been occupied more with the meaning of the change rather than just his qualities by themselves. At the park Steve had been bundled up in a coat that partly hid his shape, but his impeccable formal wear accentuates everything exactly the right way. Bucky’s mouth dries just a little as he watches, just a sliver of heat blooming in his belly. It doesn’t feel quite right, what with the confused feelings he never wanted to acknowledge he’s had for Steve, the newness of his shape, not to mention the way they’re both obviously changed and probably don’t really know each other as well as they might think. There are all those considerations, and yet, Bucky also wants to forget them and just go to Steve.

There’s been a divide in his life, there was his youth when he was tied very much by his family and their social status, for all that he never felt comfortable in it, and there is now, after his stint with the Strike Force, his injury, and subsequent withdrawal from society. He’s been coming back now, and he truly doesn’t care anymore about what he’s supposed to be like, he’s found interest in new things, he’s making a life for himself where he’s no longer boxed in by the expectations. With the new life opening, he thinks maybe he should look at whatever there is between him and Steve more clearly than he ever did before, maybe he should stop hiding. It starts now with him acknowledging he’s attracted to Steve, and that it has nothing to do with his rank or status, just the man. He wants to get closer, wants to know him again as well as he ever did and more besides. He doesn’t yet know if it’s possible, Steve is still very much of an enigma to him in this new life of his, but the least Bucky can do is take the first steps.

And maybe the time for it is right this hour; he sees his parents coming to Steve, all smiles and cordiality, and the anger flashes up again, because they never cared about Steve, never wanted Bucky to spend time with him, and didn’t even acknowledge him and his mother whenever they happened to meet out in town. The double standard makes Bucky grit his teeth, and he sees that Steve immediately tenses and excuses himself only after a few words. Steve heads for the stairs to the balcony, and Bucky moves toward them to intercept him, furiously considering what to say that won’t come off wrong for Steve.

In the end he settles for an apology. “Sorry about the hypocrisy down there,” he says, and tries to put all the sincerity he has in the smile he summons up.

Steve quirks his mouth in reply, but it doesn’t come up to his eyes. “Yeah, it’s not that odd to me, actually.”

It occurs only then for Bucky to consider how the contrast must strike Steve, how obvious it must be that a lot of people are superficial and only care about the markers of wealth and power, not the person underneath. A lot of things are probably easier for him now, and some ugly parts of the human nature must be even more glaringly obvious.

They’ve paused by the wall so that they’re not in the way of those coming and going, and it’s suddenly awkward, which surprises Bucky. At the park it hadn’t been cordial by any means, but it had been somehow easy and straightforward, unlike now. Bucky tries to cast out for something to say, only to notice Steve’s eyes wander, and it’s as if he’s been dunked in cold water, because while he wanted to provide relief, Steve apparently doesn’t want to be in his presence.

Bucky should probably excuse himself, but before he can Sharon Carter appears next to Steve, slipping her arm around his, leaning close and smiling. Steve seems to light up too.

“Here you are, I was looking everywhere for you,” she says, before greeting Bucky in a much more friendly manner than Steve did.

“I remember, there is someone we’re supposed to meet,” Steve says to her before glancing at Bucky. “Excuse us.”

It’s perfectly polite, but it’s also a dismissal unlike anything Bucky’s ever really experienced from Steve. He’s just a little bit dazed as he heads for the smoking lounge, because its dimmer lights and stiff drinks right now sound exactly the thing he needs. As he goes he replays the scene from before in his head, also remembering he saw Steve and Sharon together at the Stark party as well. He has to admit, it would make sense for them to be together, not least because Sharon knew Steve from before and liked him back then as well.

When he comes to the lounge, Bucky gets a drink that probably won’t do anything for him, throws himself into an armchair and proceeds to bury his earlier tentative desire to act on his attraction for Steve. Clearly it’s not in the cards, no use fighting against windmills. He knocks the drink back and gestures for another, and while he’s waiting he realizes he’s incensed. He can’t figure Steve out, and frankly it’s hypocritical of him to be sitting on the high horse, looking down on Bucky when he too had a hand in their falling out by putting Bucky into an impossible position. There’s a small voice pointing out that Bucky is far from blameless, but it gets drowned in the frustration stemming from how he wants to try to fix things, and Steve won’t give him an opening. Or more precisely, let him believe there was one before shutting down again.

“You look about as bored with these posers as I am.”

The voice calls Bucky back from his thoughts, and it’s a sign of how preoccupied he was that he didn’t notice Rumlow coming up to him despite being in public where he tends to still be fairly hyper vigilant. Rumlow leans to the wall near Bucky, a drink in hand and a smirk on his lips, gaze frankly on Bucky instead of shifting away. The contrast feels surprisingly good, soothes the smarting that came from Steve brushing him away, and Bucky looks back steadily, taking a drink and leaning back just a bit.

“This suits most people, but we’re not like them, we need more than this. And I’ve got a proposition.” Rumlow smirks at the last word, and clearly Bucky is meant to understand the double meaning, that it’s about whatever business Rumlow is alluding to, but also about more personal matters. “You should come and talk to me about it in private sometime.”

Bucky knows it would be stupid to say yes, for several reasons. He knows he’s only considering this because of his wounded pride, and there’s the tangle about Steve that isn’t just going to go away even if he tries to drown it. There’s also the cryptic warning from Natasha earlier. Bucky knows all this, but the truth is, he wants to be stupid, reckless. He’s been so careful for a long time now that he feels like he’s about to snap.

He can’t act on the impulse this night, though, because he promised he’d take Becca home, and it would take a lot more before he would ever let her down. Instead he says, “Maybe I will.”

Rumlow seems satisfied, he nods and heads back into the crowd, and Bucky finishes his drink and goes to find Becca. He can decide later what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do they say, one step forward twelve steps back or something...


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky is determined to be stupid, and he knows it too.

The morning after the party Bucky has a leisurely breakfast with Becca, who is happy and glowing after a fun night, no trace of exhaustion visible. Bucky is sure she looks fresher than he does, and by now he knows that whatever they did to heal him in Wakanda is still in effect, making recovery easier. Bucky has even considered writing Princess Shuri and asking about it, she told him she’d answer his questions whenever he wanted to know, but in the end he decided it doesn’t matter right now. Back then he had barely cared, he’d been too overwhelmed by the way his life had been upended, and hence he hadn’t asked for more information. Now that he’s really starting to notice the changes, it still doesn’t bother him. He should probably write Shuri anyway, because it’s been a while since he last did, it was before he met with Steve again, and he knows she likes hearing from him.

Whatever it is that’s in his veins, it still isn’t a match for youthful energy, but Becca’s happiness is contagious, and Bucky is smiling and talking too, if not quite as animatedly as she is. He’s glad to focus on her instead of dwelling on what happened the previous night, thinking about the irritation he still feels toward Steve, albeit faded now somewhat, and the itch at the back of his head to just do something stupid that hasn’t gone anywhere. Unfortunately Becca decides to bring up Steve, and Bucky’s mood takes a definite dip.

“I should invite Steve to the wedding,” Becca says, and for a moment Bucky is at loss as to how he should respond.

“It might not be that simple,” he finally says, as gently as he can.

Becca side-eyes him. “Why? Because he’s Captain America? It’s not like he’s looking at us down his nose now, and we shouldn’t either.”

It stings a bit, because just yesterday Bucky felt like Steve maybe did a bit, or maybe not that, but at least wasn’t interested at all. He also knows he might be unfair here; Steve’s problem probably wasn’t with their family as a whole, but the personal matter between the two of them. After all, Steve had taken the trouble to send Becca the drawing as a gift. Bucky pushes away his own hurt feelings for now, and instead brings up the possible complications he can see.

“You may not have noticed, because they didn’t really talk about it with you since you had your own circle of friends, but our parents didn’t want us to interact too much with Steve. More than that, they treated him and his mother like dirt, basically, and despite it all I saw them yesterday fawning all over him. How do you think he feels about it? He obviously remembers how things were before. It’s your wedding, but these occasions are always showcases for families first and foremost, so him being there wouldn’t be read as it happening for you, but our family.”

“And it would put him in a spot he probably doesn’t want to be in. You’re right, god knows our mother is more involved in the preparations than I am, and she’s making the decisions.” Bucky reaches out to take her hand, regretting that he had to bring her good mood down. She makes a face, but holds on tight. “It’s just tricky, he’s our friend even though it’s been a while, so it would feel wrong to not invite him. And if I do, he might feel obligated to come even if he didn’t want to.”

“Yeah, it sucks. But there is time still, maybe we’ll come up with something in the meanwhile. You might even talk to him about it first. I mean, it wouldn’t hurt him if you were to refer to our parents’ treatment of him, because he obviously knows, and if he’s anything like he used to be, I think he’d appreciate the frankness.”

Becca starts smiling again. “I like that. I could let him know I’ve been thinking of him, that I still consider him a friend, and get his opinion on whether to invite him.”

They pour out new cups of coffee after they’ve eaten, and Bucky thinks they’re past difficult conversations, when Becca says, “I wonder if Steve and Miss Carter are a thing. They were together at the party yesterday, and I saw him with her at the tea house as well.”

Bucky is struck silent even though he’s aware Becca expects him to join in the gossiping like he would if it was someone else they know. He just can’t but remember again how Steve seemed so happy to see her the previous night, how he was immediately ready to go wherever she wanted. And now that he thinks of it, Steve was with her at the Stark party as well when Bucky first saw him, and Becca’s conclusion isn’t far fetched at all, even though Bucky hates to admit it even to himself.

He should say something, because Becca is staring at him, her mind clearly racing, and he sees exactly the moment when she realizes the reason for his silence.

“Bucky, are you really—” she starts asking, but Bucky violently shakes his head.

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

He doesn’t, he can’t really, because he’s barely admitted to himself how he feels for Steve, and putting it into words would be impossible right now. There’s also the turmoil of not knowing what to think of their interactions recently, how he can’t figure out Steve’s behavior toward him. It’s all too complicated, and he hasn’t started unpacking it even for himself, let alone being anywhere close to being ready to talk about it with someone else.

She doesn’t press him, not like she would have just a few years ago, because time has brought wisdom. She just gets up and comes to hug him, pulling his head to rest against her. It’s a bit awkward because he’s still sitting, but it doesn’t matter because he’s warmed all over, peace falling over him as he leans into his sister and wraps his arms around her waist.

“Thanks, Becca, you’re the best,” he says when they finally pull apart. She ruffles his hair, causing him to duck and pretend to be upset, his real distress fading away again.

One hug can’t repair everything, but it has made him remember the better and more stable things in his life, and that there’s a solid foundation that he can lean on and from there figure out how he wants to go forward. It doesn’t change the fact he’s still confused, or that there’s still the itch at the back of his head to do something that Natasha would probably describe as monumentally stupid, but he does feel better, and it’s worth so much.

When Becca retreats to her room to get some writing done, she goes with a smile and an encouragement, “It’ll be alright,” and Bucky almost manages to believe it.

***

Bucky lasts three days, all of them spent alternately working his mind over the problem of Steve and pushing it as far away as he can, which isn’t that far at all, since he doesn’t seem to find inspirations to do anything that would distract him. On the evening of the third day he throws the book he’s been trying to read without much success onto the table and gets up to dress for going out.

He’s always understood the kinds of messages he can send by dressing the correct way, and often used it to his advantage on missions to hide himself when he needed to. Today his outfit is one that’ll allow him through the door of pretty much any establishment in the city, while projecting the sort of carelessness to his appearance that only those very secure in their position manage. He slips out through the back staircase, not interested in getting interrogated by his mother about where he’s going, and happens upon a free cab just when he steps on the street.

He remembers talking to Steve on occasion about the importance of dressing, about how doing it right could help one along in their life. Steve hadn’t been that interested, but Bucky wonders now if he himself had been blind even in this, since there had been much less leeway for Steve back then than there ever has been for him, and it may have registered as rich person talk to Steve. Which it was, at least partly. The idea was sound, dressing right would help poorer individuals as well, but they might not have means to do so. Now that Bucky thinks of it, he’s amazed that Steve never seemed to resent the difference between their status, and never punched him when he was being clueless.

There’s a bump in the cobblestones that rouses Bucky from his thoughts, and he sighs with irritation. He doesn’t want to think of Steve, especially not right now, it’s not helping, and the low level annoyance he’s felt toward Steve since the party rises to the surface once more. He’s confused with the mixed messages from the park and the party, he doesn’t know what Steve wants from him, and what he himself wants and hopes is so fragile it barely exists. Part of him can’t help but point out that while there’s blame in both of them, it’s reasonable of Steve to be wary of him, considering he discarded all their plans just like that, only sending a letter afterward, which definitely would have hurt. In the state Bucky is now, the reasonable voice only fuels his annoyance. It doesn’t exactly help that based on what he’s seen, Steve seems to have taken in his advice now that he can use it, he managed to hide himself in the park and looked impeccable at the parties Bucky attended.

The cab reaches his destination, and Bucky jumps off, the annoyance only cementing his decision to go forward with the plan that surely is stupid.

The bar is one the agents of Strike Force frequent, and while it’s not exclusive, in general no one comes there if not in company of a member of the Force, because the atmosphere tends to be uncomfortable. Bucky due to the mood he’s in deliberately chose an outfit that’s nothing like the straight military lines he sees all around him, and a couple of young men, probably no more than a year out of the Academy, make as if to get on his face, clearly thinking he’s an idle aristocrat in a wrong place. Technically, he is an idle aristocrat, but he’s definitely not intimidated nor is he somewhere he can’t handle himself. He just gives a look at the men and they sit back down. No one else bothers him, he gets a few nods from more seasoned veterans, some of whom he recognizes, and he takes a seat by the bar, ordering a whiskey that’s not top shelf but not bad either.

He’s halfway through his second drink when Rumlow appears and sits next to him, just a bit closer than is common between casual acquaintances or even most friends. Bucky allows it though, after all he’s here to be stupid, to try and convince himself that his heart isn’t aching, and he doesn’t protest either when Rumlow orders the bottle he’s been drinking from and fills both their glasses. As they talk, at first about nothing in particular, Bucky notes Rumlow keeps filling his glass more often, never letting him get to the bottom and making it harder to keep track of how much he’s been drinking. Not that it matters, it’s still not affecting Bucky.

As they sit there Bucky idly considers the fact Rumlow found him again very fast, how they’ve been running into each other more than coincidence should allow for, considering active members of the Strike Force usually don’t frequent the kind of circles Bucky does these days. All of it makes it only the more probable there is an ulterior motive, and Natasha’s warning would fit with that as well. Bucky just finds he doesn’t care right now, definitely not as much as he should.

He doesn’t care, because it’s a nice feeling to have someone’s attention completely on himself, to be the object of full focus, not feeling awkward or unwanted, or that the other person wants to get away. Bucky keeps leaning toward Rumlow, responding favorably to the hints he’s dropping, and fully expects they’ll leave in only a little while. He’s feeling good, and then it all comes to a halt, when Rumlow mentions the offer Pierce made. It’s not much, just an offhand remark, and Rumlow probably thinks he’s being smart and subtle, but it shakes Bucky out of his relaxed mood altogether, and the ridiculousness of the situation suddenly hits him.

He’s had quite a significant portion of the whiskey bottle, and while he isn’t really drunk, it is affecting him, just enough to allow him to let go of his reservations and burst into laughter. When he’s started, he can’t seem to stop, because it’s all just so stupid. He is stupid, to think this would help in any way, and more so to not heed Natasha’s advice. And Rumlow is monumentally stupid in his eagerness to forward whatever cause he’s working for, because had he kept it personal, he might have even snared Bucky in, and after that first wall would have been breached, he might have been more amenable toward other suggestions, depending on what they were. Instead Rumlow had to mention the offer made to Bucky, and bring the whole thing crashing down.

Bucky finally controls his mirth, pulls out his wallet, and looks at Rumlow who’s sitting there rigid and confused. “You can tell Lord Pierce it’s like I said, I’m not interested in his offer. In fact, I’ve come to the realization the circles you’re in no longer have anything to offer to me that I need or want.”

He leaves the payment for the drinks and a tip on the bar before walking away. Rumlow doesn’t follow, which Bucky counts as a blessing, because he wouldn’t want to have to explain fighting on the street, even when there probably wouldn’t be any consequences due to his status. The cool night air clears out his head, and he turns toward home without trying to find a cab, not caring that he’s only wearing thin shoes.

He only makes it one block before a carriage slows down next to him, and Natasha waves at him through the window. “Want me to take you home?”

He accepts the offer, aware that Natasha probably knows fully well where he’s coming from.

“What were you trying to do?” she asks.

“To be stupid,” he admits and she quirks her mouth at him, clearly amused and probably glad he’s not trying to deny it.

“And now?”

“I’ll have a good night’s sleep and then I’m going to get to work. I have an idea for how the analytical machine could be used to help with the calculations needed in the research Dr Foster does.”

She takes his hand and squeezes it. “That sounds like a good idea. You need a goal in your life.”

They don’t really talk during the drive, not until they’re back at the Barnes residence. Bucky climbs down but turns back to look at her.

“Whatever it is you’re doing, stay safe, okay?”

She smiles, warm and real. “I will, and I’ll make sure our whole team does. After all, I don’t have a tendency to seek out stupid things to do.”

“True that.”

The carriage drives away and Bucky goes back to his rooms. He actually sleeps better that night than he has since he first saw Steve at the Stark party, and in the morning he pulls out all the documentation and research papers he has collected, and starts making notes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew, that was a close escape (says the writer:D).
> 
> Happy New Year to everyone, hopefully 2019 will be better than the ending year for all of us.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bucky and Steve finally have a heart to heart.

Bucky finds a new kind of calm in the regular work, and it filters to the rest of his life as well. It’s a bit of a surprise, he didn’t expect there to be any noticeable change, because he’s spent a significant amount of time studying even until now. Still, now that he makes goals for himself beyond just trying to satisfy his curiosity, draws up plans and targets, makes lists of additional reading he needs to do and issues he’ll need to discuss, it creates a structure in his life that helps, anchors him more firmly than anything has so far. It becomes another steady part of his life, and it feels like everything else has less room to shift, which makes it easier to deal with things.

He knows he should have done this sort of thinking earlier, should have considered the sudden interest the leaders of the Strike Force showed in him when they’d left him alone for so long. He can now admit he didn’t want to consider, because it had been a balm to the uncertainty and fear, even the rejection he had experienced around Steve, but now he’s fairly sure the balm would have been poison, because they certainly weren’t doing it for his benefit.

Back when he first started serving with the Strike Force, they tried to get him into the pipeline leading toward the leadership positions, usually a very coveted route, but Bucky had been bruised by the conflict with Steve, with having to hurt him, and he hadn’t been keen at all to be a leader. He suspects he might have been forced into it anyway if it had been his only significant qualification; it would have helped the Force, because he was from an old family and had connections and influence outside of the military, but he was also a brilliant sniper and very good as an undercover agent. He’d actually relished in that side of the work before he fully understood what the cost was, that he’d be sent on missions he often was uncomfortable with. They’d probably decided then that his reluctance made him useless in the political game, and had decided to use his other abilities.

Now though, it’s obvious there’s something going on, because the Strike Force agents, not just the top brass, are moving in the society they previously didn’t frequent. There’s some kind of political maneuvering happening, although Bucky can’t imagine what exactly. Regardless he sees all too well that someone like him, with a wide range of connections even now that he’s not actively cultivating them, would be useful for them, and hence worth putting in the effort to try and snare him in. Pierce and Rumlow probably relied on his loyalty, after all he was part of the Strike Force for almost a decade, and always fulfilled his goals until that last mission. They left him alone while he stayed at home in isolation, but as soon as he reappeared in society, they came for him.

It’s staggeringly arrogant of them really, to think Bucky would want anything to do with whatever they’re planning after being left for dead, but on the other hand, maybe not completely unfounded, considering it had almost worked. Just almost, and Bucky knows he’s lucky, knows that had he taken that first step it would have been more difficult to extract himself, and he might have been entangled in whatever net Natasha is trying to make sense of. On the other hand he might have been able to help her in that case, but he doesn’t regret coming to his senses in time.

He also has figured out that Steve is probably a part of it too, it wasn’t a coincidence when Natasha specifically mentioned her team to him when she reassured him that she’d be careful. It means Bucky has to worry about one more person beyond Natasha and Clint, but on the other hand, he’s glad they’re all working together, because he knows they at least can trust and rely on each other, despite the personal friction there’s been between Natasha and Steve due to Bucky.

Bucky considers it all for a moment, and then writes a short note, with no specific details in it just in case, saying that if Natasha needs his help with something, she only needs to ask. Hers may not be a life he wants anymore, but he wouldn’t hesitate going back to it if she or Steve really needed him, and so he has to offer.

He is admittedly relieved when the note he receives in return from Natasha that evening says,  _ Just focus on your work with Jane and Tony, we can handle this. _

***

Bucky is starting to get used to Stark. They never got to know each other before he signed up, despite their families moving in the same society. Stark is somewhat older than him, which plays a role in it, since most of Bucky’s adult life was spent in the military. Other than that, quite frankly Bucky’s parents are snobs, their lineage goes back centuries, and Starks are relatively new money, only a second generation that’s seen as worthy of being known by the aristocracy. Money talks, but there are still those who rate it far below family name.

Bucky doesn’t care a bit, other than that he’s very much conscious of how the Stark money facilitates all the whims Tony gets up with, one of them being giving Bucky access to his analytical machine. Also like Steve warned, he’s been giving him an endless amount of suggestions, variably welcome. It all happened almost without him noticing, but Bucky is now a researcher employed at Stark Industries, something his parents probably think is below his status, but Bucky very much enjoys, because he likes knowing he’s doing something that’s actually useful.

For two weeks now Bucky’s been at the Stark facility every day, and in addition he’s visited Dr Foster twice at the university and once more at the observatory. During the time he’s become convinced, and has managed to convince Jane and Tony, as they’re insisting he call them, that his idea of having the analytical machine do the repetitive calculations related to Jane’s observations is solid. They’ve been working out the equations into a form the machine will understand, and Bucky has started writing the program. Tony allocated him a workspace in a corner of the room filled with other programmers and data analysts, and he’s felt more purposeful than he has since the early days with the military, back when he still believed they were working for a just cause and he hadn’t yet burned through his soul.

He has also taken time to write to Shuri, explaining his new job and telling her about how he’s doing in general as well as particulars about Becca’s engagement. He’s even mentioned meeting Steve again. Shuri sent back a letter filled with news about her family and the Dora Milaje, and with it had come a few sheets of paper filled with handy shortcuts and workarounds for the the analytical machine. Bucky appreciated them, he knows that if she wanted she could come up with the program in a fraction of time it is going to take him, but she clearly understands he wants to, needs to really, do it himself, and instead gave him advice that has been gained from experience. After all, it’s how all sciences work, learning from others and building on the knowledge.

Over the last three days Bucky has spent a lot of hours at his work space, and as he notices Tony getting more erratic than usual, poking his nose into Bucky’s work every few minutes it seems while apparently doing three other things at the same time, he does a mental calculation and realizes Tony’s been there every morning he arrived and every evening he left, always working. He could probably use some rest and a meal or three, but while they’ve gotten to know each other better recently, Bucky doesn’t think he’d get away with suggesting it, although if this goes on for much longer he’ll have to do something, if only so that he can get a moment of peace.

Help arrives from an unexpected direction, because the next interruption is not Tony coming to pester him, but Steve’s voice, low but immediately recognizable to Bucky. Steve doesn’t notice him at first, going to Tony instead, clearly intent on something. Bucky doesn’t hear their conversation, but it takes a while for Steve to convince Tony of whatever he’s saying, long enough that he gets obviously irritated, but in the end Tony clearly gives up and starts putting on his coat. Meanwhile Bucky suspects his concentration may have been shattered entirely by Steve’s presence, so it’s not much help anymore even if Tony will actually leave. The last thing Tony does is point over his shoulder at him, and Bucky meets Steve’s eyes, the both of them just staring at each other for several seconds without moving, long enough for Tony to leave the building entirely.

Finally Steve shakes himself out of the momentary paralysis, and takes a step toward Bucky, who rises to greet him, because it’s only polite. He only then realizes that since it’s warm in the building and he’s become comfortable enough there, he’s shed his jacket and gloves and only has a waistcoat over his shirt. He’s even rolled up his sleeves. Steve falters in his step when he sees Bucky’s prosthetic arm, but then rushes close and grabs Bucky’s metal hand in both of his, obviously distraught.

“What happened? How long have you had this? Does it still hurt?”

Bucky is understandably taken completely by surprise by the sudden proximity, the barrier between them coming down for a moment, and so he has to wet his lips and try a couple of times before he can speak, reluctantly charmed by how gently Steve is holding his hand, staring at it with sad eyes. “I’m okay, it’s Wakandan made, and fits me perfectly.”

Only when he speaks Steve seems to realize what he’s doing, and he drops Bucky’s hand and steps back, flushing bright red. “Sorry, that was untoward of me, you don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

Bucky takes him in, familiar despite all the changes, terribly handsome still, and apparently not completely grown out of his awkwardness. He smiles at Steve, determined to see if they’re anywhere nearer to the possibility of making things all right again. “It’s okay, I’ll tell you, but maybe not here.”

“Right, yes, makes sense.” Steve keeps staring at Bucky, as if considering something but also just floundering, not as confident as Bucky has seen him recently. He smiles back at Bucky, small but genuine. “I guess I know now why Nat was so adamant on me being the one to come and get Tony, even though Rhodey or Pepper would have managed it much more easily.”

It’s not a surprise that Natasha has made an effort to push them together, and Bucky is more focused on how Steve apparently habitually shortens her name. Bucky has seen several people try once and never again, but he also understands why she might let Steve do so. He should probably say something, continue the conversation, but he’s unsure of the correct direction, considering the mixed messages he’s received before from Steve. As he’s hesitating Steve apparently comes to a decision, nodding to himself.

“Would you like to meet sometime, I know a place where we could talk without anyone overhearing?”

The request is unexpected, but all the more pleasing, because here Steve is extending his hand to Bucky, actively choosing to reconnect with him, and there’s no hesitation in Bucky when he agrees. They set a time and Steve gives him an address before heading out again, appearing regretful he has to run some errands.

When Steve is gone Bucky dresses and heads out as well, there’s no use trying to get any more work done. Besides, Tony isn’t the only one who could probably use a break. He feels lighter again, and it seems that ever since he decided to not be stupid his days have gotten better. He’s done a lot of thinking since he left Rumlow at the bar, and has admitted to the pride that made him irritated toward Steve, made him think of the worst possibilities. There’s blame in both of them for the way they fell out, but now he’s decided to keep an open mind, and work to repair the connection between him and Steve.

He still isn’t quite sure of what is going on in Steve’s mind, with his behavior toward Bucky changing by day, but he’s hopeful now that he’ll find out. He thinks he may have read things wrong at the party, he wasn’t in a right kind of mood then, and he also thinks Steve is a lot more reserved in public occasions like the party was. Maybe that was partly what Bucky registered as coldness. He’s also decided that he’s not going to just wait and see, he’ll actively find out what kind of a person Steve is now, and what their relationship can be like. It means putting himself forward too, more than he so far has, but he’s ready for it now.

***

The address Steve gave him is in an area of the city that’s not fancy, but not poor either. Bucky dresses accordingly in a simple but well-made outfit. It’s a cold day, his breath is puffing out in clouds and the sky is pale blue. There haven’t been any snowstorms yet, but he knows it’s only a matter of time. For now though, the walk is pleasant since he’s warmly enough dressed, and the exercise calms his nerves, making him feel mostly collected by the time he arrives.

It turns out to be a bar named simply Dugan’s, and it’s clearly the pride and joy of the owner even from the outside, because the windows are gleaming, there are lamps lit so that the inside is bathed in golden light, and there are lanterns hanging on both sides of the door. Inside it’s warm and fairly spacious with little tables and chairs gathered in clusters. Everything is clean and neat, the wood of the bar is perfectly smooth, and the man behind it, big and wearing a bowler hat, is polishing a glass with a checked kerchief. Up over his head the drink and food menus are written on a blackboard, accompanied by pictures of frothing beer glasses and hearty meals. Bucky is pretty sure he recognizes the hand, and it helps him understand why Steve seemed so sure this was a place where privacy would be guaranteed.

He goes up to the bar and just says, “I’m here to see Steve.” It’s probably enough, if Steve indeed did help with the menu board, and who knows what else.

The bartender, probably the owner based on the confidence in him, directs a piercing look on him. “Here to fix your old mistakes?”

Bucky bristles at the insinuation. “I think there were mistakes made by both of us.” It’s only when the the words are already out that he realizes it might not be a good idea to antagonize the man, since he clearly cares about Steve, and has never met Bucky at all.

To his surprise, the man lets out a good natured laugh, and seems to relax. “No doubt about that, I know the temper and ability to hold a grudge Cap has. But I understand whatever it was that happened between the two of you has been weighing him down, and I know he’s intent on making amends. I just hope you’re on the same page.”

Bucky nods, letting go of the irritation that rose up momentarily. “I am. I regretted it too, not a day went by that I didn’t. I’m just glad we have a chance to try again.”

“Good, and I’m glad to see you seem to be a match to that temper of his. He’s through there.”

Bucky goes to the door pointed to him, and through it finds a smaller room good for private gatherings. There’s a table with chairs around it, as well as a fireplace with two comfortable looking armchairs in front of it. There are several large windows that make the room airy, letting in what light the winter afternoon provides, but Bucky notices these details only fleetingly, because he immediately focuses on Steve. He only gets a glimpse before Steve turns to him, but it’s such a familiar sight, Steve sitting by the table, drawing something in his sketchbook. Despite his now much larger body, it somehow still looks the same.

Steve rises to greet him, smile a bit hesitant but warming up as Bucky too smiles. They exchange greetings and polite inquiries about their mutual acquaintances, a bit stilted, neither of them obviously not quite sure how to proceed. Before it gets awkward the man from the bar, Bucky realizes he never got his name, brings in beer with cold cuts a cheese as well as still warm bread, saying Steve probably is ravenous already. They thank him, Steve calling him Dum Dum.

“He was part of my first team right after I became Captain America, and after he retired he got this place,” Steve explains. “His name is Timothy, but no one actually calls him that.”

“And I’m guessing you helped him set this up, I noticed the menu board.”

“We all helped, our whole team after we came back and things wound down for us. None of the rest are affiliated with SHIELD anymore, they have their own lives now.”

“And you?” Bucky asks, knowing it’s a personal question, but thinks they’ve reached a place where it might be okay.

“There’s still things I can do, and on the other hand I don’t really know what else I would want.”

It’s a heartbreaking admission, because Bucky knows for a fact Steve once dreamed of being an artist even when it seemed like an impossibility, and Bucky files it in his head, deciding to get back to it when they’re more comfortable with each other again.

“I was recruited to the Strike Force right after graduating,” Bucky says then, because this is why he came, to tell Steve what happened to him.

Steve straightens up, all his intent focus now on Bucky. He keeps it up as Bucky tells his story, about moving up the ranks, getting more and more difficult assignments, about being proud of his skills but at the same time losing himself, losing the sight of why he needed to do what he did, because deep down he knew some of the things he was asked to do were not completely above the board. He lets it all out, laying everything bare for Steve to see, explaining how he had to bury a part of himself deep inside just to be able to fulfill his orders, and how he almost couldn’t find it again once he came back.

Ever since he decided to tell everything to Steve, he’s been dreading it, because he wasn’t quite sure what Steve would think of him. He knows the things he’s done were not always morally right, even when he was following orders and disobeying would have resulted in a punishment for insubordination. Those were especially harsh for the members of the Strike Force, to actively prevent them from getting their own ideas. Bucky knows the rules are relatively new, work of Alexander Pierce, said to improve the security of the country ever since the war. He even back then thought Steve would have protested both the procedures and many of the missions, that Steve would despised him for going with it all.

It is a surprise when he sees compassion rather than anger in Steve’s eyes, and Steve reaches out to touch his metal hand resting on the table. “I think you’ve been punished already, by what happened to you, and also by your own conscience, if you’re thinking you deserve to. I don’t, you were young and the importance of obeying was drilled into you in the school already. The responsibility is on those in command. It matters that you’re thinking of it now, and I know you’ve recently been working to increase the knowledge in the world. I believe you’re on the right path in your life.”

“I’m not sure I can ever balance what I did, though,” Bucky admits.

“I don’t think that’s for any of us to decide. All we can do is our best, and when we fail, try again. I hope you’ll be able to forgive yourself in time.”

Bucky smiles at Steve, even when it’s a bit difficult. He’s grateful for Steve’s words, for the relief they’ve brought, because they were somehow just the right ones, not trying to convince him that he should feel better, just hoping he will, and it helps Bucky, helps so much.

“I was injured during my last mission,” Bucky explains then. “Something was wrong, more than just that I was uncomfortable with what we were doing. I almost think some of us had different orders, that some of us were sent there as sacrifice. I was supposed to stay away from it all, keep safe in my sniper’s nest, but I saw it going wrong and I went down. Got my arm crushed, but I happened to save a man who turned out to be Wakanda’s Prince T’Challa. He and his group got me out when my team left me, took me back to their country and helped me heal. Princess Shuri designed my arm.” Bucky keeps to himself the changes he’s noticed in himself, his knowledge still to vague to mix with all of this, but now that he thinks of it, Steve might understand best of all. After all, what Bucky knows of him, their experiences sound very similar. He’s sure he’ll tell Steve eventually, but it’s not the time yet.

“But you’re okay now?” Steve asks, a hint of the same sadness Bucky saw the previous time in his eyes.

“All good, the arm is a marvel really, like a real one except for the slight noise and having to do the maintenance. And it’s practical if I need to pick up hot things for example.”

Steve looks at him for a long moment, appearing uncertain what to do with Bucky’s half-joke, before nodding. “Okay, good.”

They sit in silence for a while, and since they’ve emptied their plates they move to the armchairs by the fireplace. They’re as comfortable as Bucky thought they might be, and the falling night outside makes the room feel very cozy.

“I nearly died of rheumatic fever half a year after my mother,” Steve says then, and Bucky settles to listen, realizing this must be the story of how Steve became Captain America. “There was no hope, it was only a matter of time, and I knew I was going to die, the same as everyone did. The last time I remember being conscious I asked Peggy to give me the experimental serum Dr Erskine had developed. I wasn’t supposed to know of it, but I’d been around when Howard Stark visited Peggy and mentioned it. I overheard they thought it could make someone stronger, but they also thought it was too dangerous still to try.”

Bucky does a mental calculation, thinking it must have been during the last few months of Howard Stark’s life. In light of that it’s a bit surprising that Steve and Tony get along as well as they do, if Howard was part of creating Captain America, because as far as Bucky knows, Tony is keen on making as much distance between himself and his father as he can. “But because you were dying they thought it was worth a try?”

“Guess so. I actually don’t know what kind of a discussion they had, I blacked out before Peggy gave me an answer. I really thought that was it, and then I woke up in a metal container, feeling like I was being pulled apart, but when it ended, everything was incredible. It’s funny, sometimes you only notice the pain when there’s an absence of it.”

“I’m glad it worked,” Bucky says, and is surprised to see Steve’s answering smile is complicated.

“Yeah me too.”

“You don’t sound so sure.”

“No, I am. I’m glad I got another chance at life, glad I’ve been able to help people. I’m grateful for it, because I always wanted to, and now I can. But there’s also the fact that being Captain America is sometimes bigger than me, feels like I’m drowning in what people expect of me. It’s a balancing act, and not always easy.”

“I get that,” Bucky says slowly, filing it too with the fact Steve didn’t seem to know what he wanted in life. This explains it, a little bit. “Ever thought of getting away from SHIELD, like your team did?”

“No. Yes. I don’t know.” Steve shrugs, looking almost helpless. “Feels like on one hand I should, especially now that Peggy has retired, and on the other there’s the problem I don’t know what else I could do.”

The obvious answer to it is whatever Steve wants, but Bucky knows it won’t help him, just the same as saying he shouldn’t feel guilty wouldn’t help Bucky. These are struggles they need to work through, and they both still need time. 

“I hope you’ll find out,” Bucky says, and Steve’s answering smile is now genuine.

They talk a bit more, sticking with less intense things, mostly about places they’ve seen. Bucky talks of Wakanda and the people there, of their knowledge of science and life in general. He idly wishes he could show it to Steve, and now he thinks that maybe he someday might be able to. For now, it’s enough that they can sit together and talk. It’s another step toward reclaiming their friendship, and while it’s not the last, it’s an important one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> About time too!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Slowly and steadily Bucky and Steve get closer to each other.

It’s tentative, like learning a new dance as Bucky and Steve keep meeting and slowly seeking their way to each other. It’s easier now that they’ve started opening up to each other, but not all barriers are yet overcome. There is still a degree of wariness in both of them, consideration with their words like they never used to need before. Yet Bucky is hopeful, because every step gets them forward, every time they meet the genuine smiles seem easier for both of them.

As time passes, both the differences and similarities in Steve compared to Bucky’s memories become clearer. He’s known from the start Steve would not be the same person he was when they knew each other as young men, the way he himself isn’t the same either, and he keeps getting surprised by Steve, by the new aspects in him. He also keeps getting surprised by the familiarity, because there are moments when it feels like no time has passed at all, moments when Steve’s words or the way he moves is still as familiar as the back of his hand.

The regular meetings also bring constancy to their interactions, Bucky knows now that Steve wants to rekindle their friendship as much as he does, and the mixed messages from before were partly due to the situation, partly due to general wariness in both of them, as well as plain misunderstanding. In retrospect Bucky believes Steve was probably just as confused and on edge by the situation as he was, which made it ripe for misinterpretation. There are also other things going on in Steve’s life, he doesn’t really talk of his work with SHIELD, but from a few chance remarks Bucky has gathered the public parties he’s attended are often part of his work, which would have made them unideal for socializing. At least there’s no permanent harm done, and now they’re both steadier, which lessens the risk of things going wrong between them.

They meet sometimes at Dugan’s, sometimes they take walks together, although those aren’t frequent now that winter has arrived in full force and snow keeps clogging the walks. Bucky still keeps working and studying, revising his program that’s already in the testing phase, adding features and refining it according to Jane’s wishes. Steve sometimes comes and sits by his table at the Stark facility, never distracting Bucky from work by talking. He just stays there, sometimes sketching, other times doing paperwork. They haven’t yet visited each other’s homes, haven’t even discussed it. It’s not yet the time, it feels like too big of a step. Another reason he’s glad Steve hasn’t suggested visiting is that Bucky doesn’t want to deal with the inevitable circus his parents would make it. Sometimes Bucky wonders about Steve’s home and what it would reveal about his friend. He knows Steve lives at the Stark Mansion, which gives a sense of temporariness to it, something Bucky sees in other parts of Steve’s life as well.

On one beautiful winter day he invites Becca to come with him, and has a cab take them to Dugan’s. He doesn’t tell her the purpose of their excursion, wanting to surprise her. Becca of course has talked to Steve, but it has always been at parties or during brief meetings, and Bucky thinks she’ll like the opportunity to spend a bit more time with him. She was fairly young when Bucky left for the military and the fallout with Steve happened, but she always got along well with him, and they shared a similar passion about their art, even when they worked with different media.

When they arrive Becca is clearly curious still, although charmed by the easy welcome from Dum Dum. Bucky guides her to the back room, and when she sees Steve drawing by the window she lets out a peal of delighted laughter and runs up to him, letting go of decorum and the strict society manners now that they’re in private, going in for a hug that is happily returned.

They sit down to talk, and with Becca there it’s actually even easier than when it’s just the two of them. She’s comfortable with them both, and not part of the drama between them, so while she’s there, the air isn’t filled with unsaid words, because it’s not a discussion to be had in her presence. It’s easy, and Bucky is once more grateful to have her, grateful to be able to introduce her back into Steve’s life for all their sakes.

They take up the matter of the wedding invitation, and Becca has clearly been thinking of it, because she manages it so beautifully that no one feels embarrassed or let down, and Steve agrees to attend the informal gathering meant for friends and not the ceremony itself, clearly relieved by the offer.

“I was never a fan of posturing,” he says, appearing half-sheepish, probably due to the fact that being Captain America seems to contain a lot of posturing during peaceful times, although granted, people often manage to include Captain America in their posturing without requiring Steve to be there at all. Practical probably for everyone, since Steve has a lot of opinions many people in positions of power consider uncomfortable, and he’s not shy to speak about them.

Becca also mentions the drawing Steve sent her, as well as the mural at the Stark facility she has also seen. When Steve says it’s nothing much, that he just draws to pass the time, and did the mural only because Tony insisted, she’s very enthusiastic in her encouragement, in pointing out that he could make a job of it if he wanted to. She’s much better and more convincing about it than Bucky thinks he ever could have been, and he’s glad, because he believes Steve needs to hear what she says. He needs to know that a skill of his that has nothing to do with the serum is good and worthwhile, because Bucky suspects Steve sometimes has a hard time believing so. Bucky sees it in him constantly; even though Steve regularly draws, it appears to be purposeless these days, and he hopes Steve can eventually find the fire he used to have for art.

“Besides, I bet you don’t get so tired anymore having to stand in one place while painting, something good came from you growing a head taller,” Becca comments a bit saucily, making Steve burst out in laughter, and more than amusement it seems like genuine happiness, it appears Becca has reached him.

Steve then asks about Becca’s writing, and they fall down a spiral of talking about inspiration and struggles. Bucky once thought he didn’t have much to give to such a conversations, he always used to just happily listen to them, but now that he’s found his own passion in science, he realizes it’s not so different after all. Science needs inspiration too, artists need to be able to just put in the work regardless of it, and there’s a meeting point in the middle. Bucky remarks something about it, and he too is sucked into the debate, the different points of view giving all of them something to think about.

Once as they’re talking he catches Steve looking at him, smiling without any obvious reason, and Bucky realizes then he too is smiling just because he’s enjoying himself so much. They spend the whole afternoon together, reluctantly parting when the night is falling. It’s one of the best days in Bucky’s life so far.

***

Becca and their parents are out for the night, and Bucky settles in with a book, meaning to read something unrelated to his studies and relax. He’s only managed a few pages before he’s told there’s a guest for him, and somewhat confused he goes downstairs, because it’s past the usual visiting hours, and as far as he knows anyone who might come to see him is otherwise occupied.

It’s an unpleasant surprise when he enters the parlor to find Rumlow standing by the window, his face stern, but cocky too as if sure of his success in whatever he’s there to do.

“What are you doing here?” Bucky asks, not bothering with decorum.

“One would think you’d have better manners, considering your upbringing.” Rumlow’s smirk only raises Bucky’s hackles, and he can’t help but think the man is entirely too self-confident for his own good, because whatever he’s here for, he’s not helping himself by irritating Bucky.

“Well, I happen to know this is not a proper time for visiting in polite society unless there’s an invitation, so I’m just responding in kind.”

For about half a second Rumlow looks like he wants to make it into an argument, but clearly decides to focus on what he came for. “You have one more chance to reconsider the offer Lord Pierce made.”

“And why do you think I’d take it on? Because I’m not going back to what I did for the military, and certainly not with anyone who’s already left me for dead, no matter how much for the greater good you say it was. And other than that, if it’s playing in politics, I’ve no interest in it.”

“Considering the world we live in, that’s a stupid attitude.” It sounds almost like a threat, but Bucky stands his ground, and finally Rumlow lets out a nasty laughter. “Guess you think you’ve found better things to do, better company. It was interesting to find out Rogers grew up near your family, but if he then looked up to you, he’s got better people now, and the pity that makes him give you the time of day will wear out soon enough. He’s not one to be impressed by your shiny family name.”

There are dozens of things Bucky could say, both honest and evasive, and while he knows it’s just malice it still stings just a bit, because there is a part of him deep inside that’s indeed wondering why Steve bothers with him. He doesn’t let the uncertainty show, though. “It was the other way around,” he just says.

“What was?”

“The looking up. He was always the best person I knew, and it hasn’t changed. And it’s time for you to go.”

Rumlow stares at him, anger clearly simmering inside him, but there’s nothing he can do, not without causing a scandal, and he probably knows Bucky would have no trouble letting a word of his unseemly conduct spread. He would be believed too, among the circles of influence, because the Barnes family is of old importance, and Rumlow’s birth status is much lower. Bucky doesn’t much like it but it matters, he knows, and in this case he wouldn’t mind using it.

Rumlow storms out, and Bucky slowly walks back up to his room. It’s been barely ten minutes, but he knows he’s not going to be able to focus on his book, he’s too rattled. Instead he puts out the lights and sits by the window, looking up to the sky that due to the haze of the city doesn’t show him any stars. He keeps staring regardless.

He focuses on remembering his interactions with Steve, all of them making it clear that Steve wants to spend time with him, no matter what else there is going on in his life. There’s no basis in Rumlow’s words, but there are issues that Bucky does turn around in his mind when he can’t sleep. He knows Steve sees Sharon Carter often, and while it could be about work, or just them being friends, he hasn’t dared to ask. He doesn’t want to know if it’s indeed true that his barely acknowledged hopes and wants are futile.

***

The next morning Bucky is still restless, and he decides to take a walk to try and burn it off. He doesn’t much pay attention to where he’s going, just lets his feet take him where they will. He only realizes at the gate to the Stark Mansion that his subconsciousness must have been leading him all along, because the truth is he does want to see Steve, wants to be reassured, and so he has for the first time come to see him at home.

There’s no use hesitating once he realizes where he is, so he rings the bell, and is let in by Jarvis, whom he’s met before occasionally when he’s come with Tony to the facility housing the analytical machine.

“Captain Rogers is in, I can find him for you,” Jarvis says, gesturing him toward the reception room to wait.

“Steve is at the practice rooms, you can take James there right away.”

Bucky turns toward the voice and sees Natasha coming through a side door, dressed in a way that reminds Bucky of their days training at the Academy, in simple breeches and a vest over a shirt, her hair tied to a knot at the back of her head. There’s a flush of exercise on her skin, and she comes to kiss Bucky lightly on the cheek before heading upstairs. Jarvis in turn leads Bucky through the door from where she came, into another wing of the house. On the way there is a workshop that Tony is clearly using to improve his Iron Man armor and weaponry, and beyond it are several large rooms meant for physical training, with all kinds of equipment one would desire.

Steve is sitting on the floor in the middle of one of the larger rooms where dense mats cover the floor. He’s also dressed for exercise, and when Bucky comes in, Jarvis heading back to his duties, Steve lights up with a smile and comes to meet him by the door. It soothes the doubts at the back of Bucky’s mind, even though the restlessness isn’t cured so easily. Steve seems to notice his mood, even if he can’t know the cause of it, and suggests sparring, to which Bucky is surprised to find himself agreeing.

He dressed for walking in the morning, so it’s only a matter of shedding layers before they’re on the floor. He’s rusty and unsure, but Steve turns out to be good at matching his level to his training opponent, and he’s clearly familiar with the ways of fighting that Bucky is too. As they move about, Bucky becomes more comfortable with it, his old skills waking up, and they keep going faster, not holding back anymore. When they finally stop and Bucky flops down on his back to catch his breath, even Steve is breathing hard. He’s also looking at Bucky, eyes curious, and now that Bucky can think, he realizes Steve must have noticed he’s stronger than he should be. He doesn’t even hesitate on whether to tell him.

“I nearly died there in Wakanda, and they saved me. It changed me, I know I’m stronger, and alcohol doesn’t do much anymore. I could ask Shuri about it, but I haven’t wanted to yet.”

Steve nods, accepting it easily as if he understands exactly where Bucky is coming from, and maybe he even does, having had to get used to changes in himself. He probably never was hesitant to go looking for what he could do like Bucky still is.

“Not like there’s any hurry that you’re in. But if you want to stretch your limits, you can come here and I’ll help you with it,” Steve says and drops down on his back next to Bucky.

The restlessness has completely evaporated now, and Bucky is comfortable lying there with Steve, feeling closer again, as if another part of the wall parting them has come down. It reminds him of lazy summer afternoons of their youth, when they’d spend time lying out on the grass together, not talking about anything really, just whiling away the hours. It’s a good feeling, but when he looks at Steve he suspects it may not be entirely shared, because Steve is frowning at the ceiling.

Before Bucky’s worries get the better of him again, Steve speaks. “I’ve been thinking back recently, and I realize now I should apologize to you.” Steve looks at Bucky then. “I shouldn’t have expected you to let go of the career path you were on because of what I wanted, and I’m sorry.”

There’s sudden lightness blooming in Bucky’s heart, because this really means the final walls are coming down, because they’re finally acknowledging the trouble between them properly, which means they’re finding their way back to where they were, and from there they’ll be able to move forward. “You said that already when we met at the park,” he points out.

“I remember what I said, but it’s not quite same. Back then I thought of myself, about how asking for help wasn’t fair, but it was more than just that. I asked you to give up something of yours for me, and that really was a rotten thing to do. Not to mention, it probably would have messed things for us.”

“Maybe so, but granted, in retrospect I would have done better doing something else.”

“But we couldn’t have known it then, it doesn’t change the fact I asked you to give up something for me.”

“And I should have talked to you, rather than just disappeared. I’m sorry too.”

Steve squeezes his hand, his yes warm and smile coming back. “You’ve apologized for that as well, and it’s okay. We’ve both made mistakes, but we’re dealing with them now, so let’s both try and do better from now on.”

Bucky smiles too, the touch of Steve’s hand like a brand on his skin, but for now he’s not going to pursue that line of thought. Where they’re now is more than enough. “That sounds like a plan. And thanks for the offer to spar.” He gestures around. “I might even take it up sometime.”

“Anytime, I mean it. You should get some exercise in addition to sitting at your desk all day.”

Bucky grins and gets up on his feet, offering a hand to Steve. It’s probably not a bad idea to follow Steve’s advice.

When they head out Bucky spots Steve’s shield hanging on the wall. “Isn’t that made of Vibranium? Shuri said you were given some, and Natasha told me Tony made the shield of it.”

“Partly, yeah. The amount of Vibranium wasn’t enough for a whole shield, but Tony made an alloy of it that was much stronger than steel, and retained some of the properties of Vibranium.”

“Why did the Wakandans give it to you? If you can tell, I know they may have asked you to keep their secrets.”

“I can’t go into details too much, but it was during one of our early missions with the Commandos, Hydra had acquired some Vibranium, and we helped the Wakandan team to get it back. It wasn’t quite that simple, but it’s the gist of it. King T’Chaka gave me a piece of Vibranium when we parted. I hope one day I can tell you the whole story.”

“Maybe if we go to Wakanda sometime,” Bucky says, almost accidentally speaking out the hope he’s been cultivating. “They keep asking me for a visit, and you should come with me, take a break from work.”

Steve smiles. “I’d like that, maybe we can talk of it after I’m finished with the task we’re currently working on.”

“I’ll hold you to that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look at them, handling things like adults :D


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A couple of mysteries that have been occupying Bucky's mind are solved.

In January both Steve and Natasha’s work gets more intense. They’re Avengers, but also agents of SHIELD, and the task they’ve been working on for months now seems to be getting somewhere. As a result Bucky has spent more time working as well, since the people who usually drag him away to do something else are occupied. Even Becca is more busy with the preparations not only for her wedding but her life with Henry as well. She’s also squeezing in time to work on her book, which means Bucky sees less of her, since he has no patience whatsoever for wedding preparations. He does miss spending time with her, but he’s not begrudging it, since she’s so obviously happy for herself.

Bucky’s life has continued steadying out. He’s comfortably settled into the research work now, he’s gained confidence in his skills and knows he’s actually making a significant contribution rather than everyone just indulging him for some reason. For most of his life he has felt like scientists were something else, moving in spheres unattainable, but he’s now realized it’s not so. Bucky has always known he’s smart, he thrived at the Academy and was chosen into sniper training because he was capable of making the necessary calculations fast and correctly under pressure, but it felt like it was practical, everyday kind of intelligence. Now he’s starting to see there isn’t too much difference. He might not be a super genius like Tony with his machines, or like Jane and her inner eye that sees farther than any telescope, or like Shuri with practically everything, but with patience and effort he can make strides bigger than he ever dared to imagine.

He’s happier in his personal life as well. When they moved to the city he was loathe to leave their old home where he could live in peace and not see anyone but Becca for days if he so chose. He’s still not and never will be at ease in society the way he used to be during his youth, but he’s found enjoyment in the company of people again, in general rather than just with select few, and he’s made several new friendships in addition to strengthening old ones.

With Steve they’re now in a place that’s comfortable, easy even, because there’s no longer a barrier between them, no uncertainty over whether they can still be friends. That’s no longer a question, they are and always will be tied to each other, and with the wisdom gained from their misunderstandings, stupidity, and separation, their relationship has a more solid foundation than it ever did. They’ve made strides getting to know each other again as well as they used to, talking about everything under the sun and figuring out things the other likes and why they do so. They’ve started exchanging books, and same as ever they don’t like all the same things, but there is a significant overlap that they can work with.

Now that they’re standing on a more solid ground Bucky has been cautiously examining his feelings for Steve. He’s starting to realize there always was more than friendliness in his heart for Steve, but he probably subconsciously kept it at bay. After all, he always knew it would be difficult for them to be together, due to the difference in their social class that was already a strain on their friendship. Had they been courting it would have been even more so, and considering Steve’s pride, Bucky suspects he wouldn’t have even allowed it, even if he had felt the same way. These days it’s not really an obstacle anymore, there is still the difference of their birth status, but Steve has shot up in the world, not to mention Bucky no longer cares even a little bit what people might say, or what his parents might say.

Bucky now has admitted it to himself that if he only let it happen he would grow to love Steve in more ways than he already does, in every way imaginable, perhaps. The only problem is, he doesn’t know if he dares to allow himself to fall more deeply in love with Steve, because if it’s not reciprocal, it’ll only hurt him, and perhaps their friendship too, which is the last thing Bucky wants.

Logical next step would be finding out whether it is reciprocal, but Bucky doesn’t know how to do that, not to mention he already suspects it’s probably not. He’s certainly not going to just ask, there’s too much potential for making things awkward again between the two of them, and he likes that right now it’s not. He doesn’t want to shake the equilibrium. He has of course been observing, but he feels like he’s still learning who Steve is nowadays, and so he doesn’t want to put too much stock on the moments when he catches Steve just looking at him with soft eyes and a smile, as if he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. He could ask for someone else’s opinion, Natasha probably would have some insight, but that would require him to open up to her more than he already has, would require him confessing everything to her, and he’s not ready for it yet. His feelings are still so fragile that it’s almost too much that Becca knows, let alone anyone else being allowed in.

Another reason to not rely too much on the looks he sometimes gets from Steve is his closeness with Sharon Carter. Bucky hasn’t poked too much into it, but he’s well aware Steve is spending a lot of time with her. Steve doesn’t really talk about it either, which makes it seem all the more likely that there indeed is something going on between them that they don’t want to disclose yet. They work together at SHIELD, but Bucky knows they spend time together outside of it as well. There’s also the fact that while Steve has been busy and hasn’t had time to see Bucky as often, he still seems to be making time for her. It speaks volumes to Bucky.

He’s not the only one to have noticed it either. Once while they’re working the topic of discussion turns to Steve, and Tony says, “He sure spends a lot of time with Agent Carter. Do you think they’ll soon come out and publish their engagement?”

“He hasn’t said anything to me,” Bucky says, his strict undercover training helping him to keep his voice steady even though his stomach has dropped to his feet. He steers the conversation back to the problem they’ve been discussing, managing to distract Tony enough that he doesn’t return to the topic of Steve and Agent Carter, but Bucky is distracted for the rest of the day.

He keeps fretting over it that night even after he returns home. It seems things are indeed as he’s suspected if Tony too believes it’s only a matter of time, and he’s been wise to be cautious over his feelings. It’ll probably take a while, but he’ll be able to be happy to just be Steve’s friend. It’s something he tells himself at least.

For now it’s not easy, and he ends up going to Becca’s rooms and telling her about what Tony said and his own observations. To his surprise, Becca isn’t as convinced as he is.

“See, when I first met Steve again Miss Carter was there as well, and I thought they might have something going on. But that was just the proximity, now that I’ve seen more of him, I’m not so sure anymore. The way he sometimes looks at you suggests you shouldn’t feel hopeless at all.”

It’s a ray of hope that Bucky almost wishes he didn’t have, because without it he could start adjusting to the idea of Steve marrying someone else and him having to bury his feelings for good. Now the uncertainty is still there, and he’s no closer to knowing.

***

Bucky is working from home for once, although only because when he was at the Stark facility the previous day Colonel Rhodes came to look for Tony, and also suggested Bucky could use a break. He wasn’t wrong, Bucky has spent even more hours buried in his work since Steve has been even busier, enough that they haven’t seen each other in more than two weeks. He can’t help but think, whenever he considers the time period, that Steve apparently has had time enough to see Agent Carter, since they were photographed for the society pages together. Bucky hates it a bit that he thought Steve cut a particularly striking figure in the photo, with the cut of his suit accentuating his narrow hips and a winter cape hanging from one shoulder.

He’s dealing with it though, albeit it’s probably true the method he’s currently using, burying himself into work, isn’t exactly advisable for long term. For now he doesn’t really care, and keeps distracting himself with the equations that aim to describe the universe around them, and how to translate them into a code the analytical machine will understand.

It’s not going particularly well for him, he is tired due to several days of overworking, and it’s actually a relief when he hears rapid steps approaching, because at least it means something is about to happen. He has a moment of guilt, because the source of the excitement could be something bad, but when Becca barges in without even knocking it’s forgotten, because she doesn’t seem at all distraught.

“Did you know about it? Did Steve warn you?” she asks immediately as her eyes land on him.

“Warn me about what?” Bucky is puzzled, but there’s a thread of thrill underneath, because whatever Becca’s referring to, it could be the reason why Steve has been so busy recently.

“We were having lunch with Henry when they started spreading the news. SHIELD has arrested Lord Pierce, and Steve was there to bring him in. They also arrested several members of the Strike Force, some of them probably people you know.”

It is indeed momentous news, and certainly something that must have kept Steve and Natasha, not to mention many others, busy. “Did they say why?” Bucky asks.

“Nothing very specific, only that Pierce has been aiming to make a move against the government somehow. So, you didn’t know?”

“No, of course not. I’m a civilian now, and something like this would be kept very close at hand.” Bucky pauses, and decides to tell her what he did know beforehand. “They tried to recruit me, at least I’m pretty sure. Told them I wasn’t interested, considering the last time I worked with them they left me for dead. And Natasha warned me to keep a distance to the unit. She didn’t say why, just cautioned me about it already in the fall, so they must have been working on this for a long time.”

They speculate for a while about it, but with no more specific news, even when the special issues of the papers start appearing, there isn’t much to go with. Eventually Bucky gives in to his curiosity, dresses, and heads out toward the Stark Mansion.

***

Jarvis lets him in, and guides him to a cozy living room where Tony is sitting with Jane and Thor, Miss Potts, whom Bucky has seen but not actually met, as well as Sam Wilson and Bruce Banner that Bucky met at that first Stark party but not since. It’s actually a bit funny to him when he considers it, since he knows Sam is a very good friend of Steve’s. Now that they’re here, he definitely senses just a bit of distance in Sam, even though he seemed very friendly at the party. It makes sense, though, considering the complications between him and Steve. Even though they’ve worked their way through them, Sam doesn’t know him, he only knows of the trouble between them. Bucky wouldn’t be surprised if he found out Sam is wary of him on behalf of Steve, wondering if he’s setting himself up to get hurt again. Bucky after all would react in exactly the same way.

They have a bit more information here about the arrests, since Sam was actually part of the raid. He’s not a SHIELD agent, just someone Steve considers trustworthy and willing to help with it, and hence his debriefing was apparently much shorter than it is for the others, who are still at work. Sam gives them more names than just Pierce, and Bucky isn’t at all surprised to hear Rumlow is one of those arrested. It just makes him even more grateful that he came to his senses and didn’t go through with his momentary stupidity, although considering Natasha was around the club at the time, he suspects she might have intervened somehow. He recognizes many other names belonging to people he used to work with, people he remembers were not that bothered over the methods their unit used, which makes sense. Bucky hates to think so, but in retrospect it might have been a good thing for him to be injured, otherwise he might have been pulled too deeply into the web of conspiracy that it would have been almost impossible to get away alive.

Here too they they spend time speculating, Jarvis bringing them drinks and snacks, and Tony talks a mile a minute all the time, obviously annoyed to not have been part of the operation. Not that Bucky thinks he would have truly wanted to be part of it, he’s got enough in his hands with his business, but he likes to know things even when they don’t really concern him.

Natasha and Clint are the next to arrive, and it’s nearing midnight by then. They’re both wearing their SHIELD uniforms designed for easy movement, which means they clearly were skulking in shadows earlier. They are obviously satisfied with the work they’ve done, but won’t give them any additional information, since all the details are being kept under wraps for now.

Steve arrives ten minutes later, dressed in an immaculate suit rather than a combat uniform, something he clearly resents. “I hated this plan of yours,” he says to Natasha as soon as he arrives. “And so did Sharon, just so you know. She said she’s not going to wear dresses for at least a year.”

“But you two made such nice darlings of society.” She grins at him, unrepentant for whatever precisely it is Steve is blaming her for. “Besides, it worked, didn’t it? Made the both of you appear much more harmless than anything else could have.”

“I know, we went through with it, didn’t we? Doesn’t mean we had to like it.” Steve tugs his cravat off, throws himself onto the empty spot on the sofa next to Bucky, and smiles at him. “Hey, Buck. I’m glad to see you here, and glad that things should be winding down again.” His look at Bucky is much softer, the irritation he clearly felt when coming in seeming to melt away.

They’re all fairly listless by now, the excitement of the day taking its toll, and as everyone begins to retire Bucky makes to head for home, but Steve tells him there’s plenty of room, so no reason for him to make the trek through the city so late. Bucky lets himself be persuaded, and Steve leads him upstairs to a suite of rooms that’s clearly his. Bucky is happy to see a familiar knitted blanket folded over the back of the sofa, the bright pattern still clear in his memory from days spent with Steve while he was ill, accepting his confinement on the sofa wrapped in the blanket with bad grace. Bucky used to try to amuse him best he could for hours at a time. These days Steve probably doesn’t get ill at all, but some things clearly are sacred.

They end up getting an evening snack rather than going straight to bed, because Steve’s stomach growls just as they enter the suite. Bucky is not against a meal either, and even less against spending more time with Steve. As they eat, Bucky has to concentrate on not staring at the dip of Steve’s collarbone peeking from the now open collar of his shirt, somehow vulnerable and carefree in a way Bucky hasn’t seen Steve since before he left for military. To distract himself he decides to give in to his curiosity.

“What was that plan of Natasha’s you didn’t like?”

“Oh, it was to do with getting us close to Pierce. See, some time after the whole thing with Hydra and Red Skull here in New York, he expressed interest in getting me to work with his team. I wasn’t interested, but around that same time SHIELD found evidence he might be up to something, so I didn’t fully decline, just let him think I might be talked into it. Natasha’s plan involved making me look more harmless and conservative than I am, and Sharon was part of it, because she is much better at the spy stuff than I am. Not to mention we were sure Pierce would underestimate her if we presented her as a sort of innocent young girl, so she’d be able to find more evidence if we made it clear she was connected to me.”

“Yeah, he certainly didn’t have a very high opinion on women in general,” Bucky says. During his time in service, the Strike Force’s elite teams consisted entirely of men, something Bucky had always considered stupid, because it made some of the infiltration tasks much harder, not to mention he knows there were plenty of good candidates refused while some inferior ones were accepted just for their gender.

“Right, so Sharon played this timid and proper girl who was working for SHIELD due to her family and not for ambition, and we made sure we were seen together, made it look like I was content to settle down as a part of the kind of society Pierce valued.” Steve pauses at the skeptical look Bucky gives him and asks, “What?”

“I mean, I understand it clearly worked, but I’m just having a hard time wrapping my head around you going with deception and lies and selling it. You were never any good at lying.” Bucky shrugs a bit apologetically, but Steve just smiles.

“You’re right, and I’m still not. I’m a bit better at holding my cards close to chest, but not at the actual lying. Nat and Sharon arranged it so I wouldn’t need to, we just relied on people assuming things. We’d say we’re friends, which is true, and they’d draw their own conclusions about seeing us together all the time, and assume we just didn’t want to talk about the state of our relationship yet. Anyway, it worked well enough, and now Pierce is on his way to jail.”

“Do you think he’ll stay there? Powerful men seem to always have leverage.”

“True, but we have a lot of compelling evidence of his plans, including his connections to Hydra and Red Skull. He was at the background of that attack as well. We now think that Red Skull, while capable as a leader, was more than a bit insane, and Pierce was manipulating him. No doubt had Hydra succeeded overthrowing the current system, Pierce would have worked in the background, at some point causing the fall of Red Skull, and posed as a savior afterward.”

“And that would have put him in power, because the gratitude would have been immense.” Bucky is starting to understand the scope of the plan, and he can’t help but think how fortunate they all are that Hydra didn’t succeed two years ago, and that everything is coming to light now. “Good riddance to all of them.”

“I’ll say.”

They finish their meal, and while he eats, Bucky can’t help but think back to what Steve said, about people drawing faulty conclusions. He’d done so too, had made assumptions without certainty. Now it has turned out those were wrong, and with the additional information he’s confident Steve and Sharon really are just friends. It gives him hope, because even when he still doesn’t quite dare to believe Steve returns his feelings, at least he now knows there isn’t someone else either.

In the end, they don’t go to sleep at all that night, just migrate to Steve’s cozy sitting room and settle by the fireplace in comfortable chairs, talking and just enjoying each other’s company. Steve is obviously too wired to go to sleep, and Bucky likes seeing him unwinding bit by bit as the hours march on. Finally when the first light of the morning starts sifting through the window, he seems to be completely at ease again, smiling and content.

“He must have been planning for this coup for decades,” Bucky says, returning to the topic of Pierce as they drink their first cups of coffee, both having decided there was no use anymore going to bed.

“So it seems. Now that we know of his goals, some of his more overt actions and policies make sense in a whole new way. Like the way he reconfigured the Strike Force.”

“You know, when I joined, part of the reason I did so was because I knew from history they were famous for their integrity, for taking on tough tasks so that others didn’t have to, as well as for being an unbreakable unit, never leaving someone behind.” Bucky has mostly dealt with what happened to him, but it still stings how different it all was compared to his expectations, from the dubious nature of the missions to him being left for dead.

“I know. Clearly he wanted Strike to be all his rather than loyal to the state, and he succeeded in it too, by gradually changing the policies, as well as spreading fear and getting approval for more drastic measures since the war. But at least now it can go back to the kind of unit it was always meant to be. I just wish you’d never had to be part of it as it was.”

“Yeah, well.” Bucky shrugs, letting go of the bitterness once more. “It happened, and it wasn’t great, but I’m past it, and happier now.”

“I can see it, and I’m glad.” Steve nudges at Bucky’s foot with his, giving him a bright if tired smile.

Bucky is on a solid footing in his life, and he hopes that now that Steve has finished his task, maybe he too can turn more of his attention to finding things to do that’ll make his life more rounded, something he obviously yearns for. Bucky knows he’s started the journey, the half finished painting on the easel in the corner a clear testament to it, but there’s still a distance to cover, and Bucky resolves to be there for him, knowing that Steve will help him as well. It doesn’t matter what shape their relationship will end up taking as time passes, the important thing is the core of it, the loyalty to each other that’s now been mended and stronger than ever, something they can rely on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, coast is clear Bucky, now just do something about that crush of yours...


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spring is on the way, and with it comes both literal and figurative clarity.

Steve’s workload lessens again, and Bucky takes advantage of it, spending much of his free time with him. He still diligently advances his own work, but he no longer stays at it around the clock, or until late at night, unless he’s at the observatory. There of course night time is essential, but those days are exceptions, otherwise he keeps to regular hours. The winter is still prone to delivering cold days and occasional heavy snowfall, but the days are getting lighter, sun often shining from the clear blue sky, warming his face when he looks up while taking a walk, and reminding him spring is on the way.

It’s getting more and more irritating at home as Becca’s wedding approaches. There’s still weeks to it, the date is set in early spring, but now they’ve moved with the preparations from planning and sewing to actually getting things ready, and the house is busy enough that it’s obvious even in Bucky’s out of the way rooms. Now that he’s more active socially his mother for some reason has taken it into her head he’s interested in the pomp and circumstance, continuously asking for his contribution for all that Bucky doesn’t care. The only thing he cares about is the happiness of his sister, and he thinks she too might think now that the wedding ceremony is just something to get over with before she can start her life with Henry. They’re more interested in planning the informal party for after the reception, where only their friends will be invited, many of them from the artistic circles where Becca and Henry first met.

Becca is mostly forced to endure their mother’s fretting, but Bucky usually shamelessly escapes, which irritates their mother, but he thinks she can handle it. It would be worse if he tried to endure it, he suspects he’d end up losing his temper and saying something he’d regret.

Ever since the night after Pierce’s arrest Bucky has been a common visitor at the Stark Mansion, no longer going there just for exercise. Mostly he spends time with Steve, but he’s getting to know the others better too, and since he’s now comfortable there, he sometimes comes to visit Natasha even when Steve isn’t there. The two of them have been close since their days in the Academy, but they are finding new aspects to their friendship these days, less reliant on working together and trusting each other on missions, and concentrating on things they like to do on their free time.

Sam and Natasha have recently moved together, and since he’s also one of Steve’s very best friends, Bucky is now seeing more of Sam. There’s still a somewhat wary distance between them, stemming from Sam clearly worrying over Steve’s wellbeing, and Bucky’s jealousy of their closeness that he does his best to squash. In truth, he’s happy that Steve has found other friends since they parted, the way he really hadn’t managed in their youth, and it’s even better that it’s obvious they really care about Steve and not the fact he’s Captain America. There’s just the undercurrent in Bucky’s mind screaming that he was there first, an instinct he knows isn’t very admirable, especially considering his recent realization of how he might not have been as good a friend to Steve as he could have back when they were younger. All this means that he tries to not withdraw behind his walls like he tends to do under scrutiny, and allow Sam to see him as he is, hoping he’ll understand Bucky’s not going anywhere.

As the weeks pass, he thinks it is getting better, and it probably helps Natasha understands him so well, he has no illusions over whether she’s talked about him with Sam, and he doesn’t mind. He’s slowly being inserted into the group of friends that consists of the Avengers and the people around them, and he’s enjoying it, finding a part of himself he’d thought completely lost after the ordeal he had of nearly dying. It’s not so long ago he’d thought he’d be content to live as a hermit for the rest of his life, accompanied only by his books, but now the idea is unfathomable, he remembers now why he loved being around people when he was younger, and he’s glad of the realization.

***

It’s a beautiful Saturday afternoon, Bucky is standing at the window, watching the blue sky and the water dripping down from the eaves of the house. The spring has definitely arrived, and it relaxes his mind to just look at the slow melting of the snow. Steve is sitting by the desk, writing some letters, and Natasha and Sam are relaxing at the easy chairs, reading. It’s calm and peaceful, familiar by now.

Bucky’s hypervigilance is nowhere near as bad as it used to be while he was recovering in Wakanda or soon after returning home, but he’s still not easy to surprise, and so he’s aware of Sam as soon as he starts moving toward him. Sam comes to the window as well and gives him one of those looks that seem to bore right into him. Bucky stands it, for all that he wants to fidget, and just raises his eyebrow in question.

“After we first met I didn’t really know what to make of you,” Sam begins. “And sometimes I’m still not sure I know you as well as I think, but I know Steve thinks the world of you.”

He pauses, as if searching for words, and Bucky, who’s been waiting for something like this, decides to jump in. He pitches his voice low, same as Sam did, so that Steve won’t hear what they’re saying. “Is this a ‘if you hurt him I hurt you’ discussion?”

Sam huffs but grins too. “No. It’s between the two of you, and as his friend it’s my job to support him, not threaten people on his behalf, especially when it wouldn’t be appreciated. What I wanted to say is that while I haven’t known him nearly as long as you have, I did get to know him during a time when you weren’t here. You should know that he wasn’t quite settled then, maybe isn’t even now as much as he seems. There have been a lot of upheavals in his life, and I never knew him willing to believe in constancy of anything, he was always wary about things until recently with you. I know he started out guarded with you, reasonably, but he’s past that.”

It’s a warning, but of a different kind than Bucky had expected, perhaps unfairly to Sam. It’s useful, because it’s not a threat but kindness, meant to help the two of them, and it confirms something Bucky so far has only suspected. 

“I understand. He doesn’t deserve having the rug pulled from under him. I can’t promise for certain it’ll never happen, because there are unexpected circumstances in life, but I do promise that I’ll do everything I can to be worthy of his faith. When I was younger I took a lot of things for granted, didn’t understand the value of things lasting, but I do now, and I want to do better than I used to.”

Sam nods, his smile warmer than Bucky has ever seen it directed at him. “That’s all anyone can ask for.”

***

Sparring is a fairly regular exercise for Bucky and Steve these days, and they’re often working to see if they can find the limits in their abilities. Bucky finally caved in and asked Shuri about the consequences of his healing, and she told him that she wouldn’t describe the method, it being sacred for the Wakandans, but that sometimes it caused permanent enhanced healing, as well as abnormal strength and speed. Apparently the results varied from person to person, they hadn’t figured out all the reasons for it yet, but for some people it barely showed, while some had abilities comparable to what Shuri knew of Steve. With the information, they’d started to push with Steve during their sessions, and it feels like Bucky has come through a wall, because now that he wants to know about his abilities, it’s easier to notice them. Apparently he somehow subconsciously restricted himself, because he didn’t want to be any different. These days it doesn’t bother him at all, since it means they can spar without Steve having to treat him like he’s breakable.

This time they have the training rooms all to themselves, because everyone else is away from the Manor. Bucky arrived in the morning and they’ve spent a couple of hours pushing each other, not doing it to hone their skills but just for the exhilaration of reaching for their limits. During the last ten minutes they’ve wound down a bit, going easier with each other, laughing more than not.

In the end they tumble down on the floor and Steve ends up on his back without trying to get up again. Bucky is still laughing when he lands mostly on top of Steve, caught up in the moment, but when Steve just lies there and looks up to him the laughter dissipates and all that’s left is nerves because of the way Steve is looking at him. Bucky has seen the expression on Steve before, even directed at him, but it’s always been fleeting, hidden when he tried to properly see it, leaving him unsure if he’d seen correctly. Now he knows he did, because Steve isn’t hiding anymore, he’s looking up at Bucky without hesitation, his very soul open and laid bare. All Bucky can do is lie there, braced on his metal arm that’s gently whirring with the pressure, the only other sound in the room their still rapid breathing and the thump of his heart in Bucky’s ears.

Steve moves, very deliberately, his eyes never leaving Bucky’s, and places his hand on Bucky’s waist. It’s a simple touch, could be almost innocent but it’s not, not with the way they’re looking at each other, Bucky still leaning over Steve, the loosened tendrils of his hair framing his face. It’s not innocent in any way when it feels like Steve’s touch is almost scorching him even through his shirt.

It all clicks into place, it all becomes clear at that moment, and Bucky almost wants to laugh with both delight and relief, because he now knows he’s not alone with the feelings, with the attraction. It’s obvious in the way Steve looks at him, eyes shining with happiness and lips curving into a smile. Bucky shifts his weight even more on his left arm and touches Steve’s face, first featherlight fingertips over his cheekbone, and finally pressing his palm against Steve’s skin, curving his hand so that he’s cradling Steve’s head.

It’s easy, simple like many of their interactions used to be but that they hadn’t yet reached since reconnecting. It makes sense to Bucky, though, that it would be this moment when they find the ease, because now everything is out on the table, there are no walls or even curtains between them. No more secrets or hidden things. It’s the most natural thing in the world to lean down and press his lips on Steve’s, to have Steve tilt his head for a better access, to bring his other hand up and tangle his fingers in Bucky’s hair.

They kiss once, twice, more, enough that Bucky loses count of them, focusing on the warmth of Steve under him, the strong arms holding him, cradling him, on the soft exhalations and the eagerness in his body finding a response in Steve’s. After a while it becomes difficult to keep kissing, because Bucky is smiling, unable to stop and Steve is too, their teeth finally clacking together, and they fall into giggles. Bucky buries his face at the crook of Steve’s neck, breathing him in as he laughs, the happiness bubbling out of him because it’s overflowing.

Steve finally draws in a long breath and presses a kiss on Bucky’s temple, lips lingering there as if he can’t get enough. Bucky feels exactly the same, he wants to burrow into Steve so that they’ll never have to be apart now that there’s nothing dividing them from each other. It’s not a very practical thought, but for now Bucky doesn’t want to think of practicalities, not for a while in this perfect moment.

“We should go to my rooms, we’d be more comfortable there, and no one’s going to walk in on us,” Steve finally says, and Bucky has to admit some practicalities at least are a good idea. Right now his knee is pressed uncomfortably against the floor, and he doesn’t feel up to answering the multitude of questions that would be inevitable if one of the Avengers happened upon them. They will indeed be more comfortable in Steve’s rooms, and so Bucky pushes himself to his feet and reaches out a hand to pull Steve up as well.

***

When they get to Steve’s rooms, there’s a moment when shyness tries to take over Bucky, and based on the sudden flush on his cheeks it’s the same for Steve as well. It’s only a moment, though, because the ease is still there, the effortlessness of being with Steve, and it hits them both at the same time, laughter bubbling out of them, and Steve reaches for him again, his hands steady and sure, fitting in the dips and curves of Bucky’s body as if they were meant to rest there. Bucky allows himself to be pulled in and settles close enough that the heat of Steve’s body is almost overwhelming, but not so close that he wouldn’t be able to look at Steve, because he wants to keep seeing the love and happiness in Steve’s eyes.

Bucky squeezes Steve to himself, and only then realizes that maybe his metal arm isn’t that comfortable. He hadn’t even remembered it up until now, and Steve hasn’t treated it any different from his right arm, but the thought still makes Bucky hesitate, and he loosens his hold, vaguely considering just letting his left hand hang.

Steve catches him though, his hand curling carefully around Bucky’s metal elbow, his expression both gentle and stubborn at the same time. “Don’t, it’s okay. It’s a part of you same as everything else, and I’m not at all breakable these days.”

Bucky smiles and wraps the arm again tightly around Steve. “I think you are, you just don’t bruise as easily anymore.”

It’s an allusion to something they haven’t really talked about yet, even with all the honesty they’ve aimed for, because acknowledging the fragility of their feelings is still difficult to do. Bucky knows that for all that Steve seems practically invincible in his new body, his heart is the same as ever, vulnerable to hurt as any person’s, same as Bucky’s.

Steve pulls away from him a little, really taking a look at him, but then his smile brightens for a moment before gentling again, sincerity shining from his eyes. “I have faith in you,” Steve says, and it lances right into Bucky’s heart, warmth flowing outward, banishing so many insecurities with just a few words. Steve continues, “I understand being uncertain, but I’m glad you feel like you now understand what you want to work for in life.”

“You heard my discussion with Sam,” Bucky says, suddenly realizing.

“I did. It was a quiet room, and I’ve got a pretty good hearing these days. Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.”

“It’s okay, it wasn’t something I’d want to keep secret. I really meant it all.” It’s easy to talk of this too, the vulnerabilities are still there, but Bucky feels safe, content to place them in Steve’s hands.

“I know you did, and I want to do the same, to work on us so that we can be happy and stay that way. I think we are to a good start at least.”

“We are,” Bucky agrees, and presses closer to kiss Steve again, because it’s been several minutes since they last did.

They end up on Steve’s sofa, panting and flushed when they finally part, and while there’s a thread of want in Bucky to take it further, he’s also content to just be, to take things slow and thoroughly explore every aspect of their developing relationship. It feels right, there’s no rush, he knows they’ll advance and find things that’ll work for them as time passes, and he’s content to let things progress at their pace.

Now he presses into Steve, his head pillowed on the still new broad chest, the steady heartbeat reassuring, telling him Steve is here to stay. Steve’s hands move lazily over his body, petting him, soothing him, and Bucky lets every bit of tension leak away.

“There was speculation about my aging after I got the serum,” Steve says, not tensing or changing the way his hands are moving on Bucky, but it’s obviously something important. “They thought I might age more slowly than is normal, but there was no way of verifying it. We still don’t know. And for a long time that knowledge made me hesitate making deep personal connections, made me fear losing people after I’d gotten close. Of course, it didn’t fully work, I’ve got people that have become important even with my barriers in place, but I’ve come to a decision it’s not a good way to live. I’m not going to be happier like that, it’s not easier. So I’ve decided to try and engage more, to try and live my life, however long it might be.”

Bucky pushes himself up to see Steve smiling at him, relaxed and open, so different from the way he looked at the Stark party where they first reconnected. They’ve both come a long way since then, they’re both much more at ease in their skin, and from now on they’ll walk together, more closely than they ever did. Bucky pushes himself up to kiss Steve again, it’s gentle but thorough, a promise and an acknowledgment, and Steve’s answering kiss is just the same. They part and Bucky returns to his previous position, listening to Steve’s steady heart, enjoying the deft touch of Steve’s fingers in his hair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *throws confetti* One more to go!


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginning of a new phase in Bucky and Steve's shared life.

Bucky hugs Becca tightly to himself. He’s emotional, almost as if this was more of a parting than it actually is. It’s a change, since they won’t be living in the same house anymore, but they’ll live close to each other even in the future, and can see each other whenever they want. On the surface it’s nothing drastic, but it definitely is one of the major turning points in their lives.

She looks radiant, just as she has all day, whether it was during the wedding ceremony itself, or the formal reception afterward, or the party that has lasted deep into night. The last part was Bucky’s, and quite obviously Becca and Henry’s too, favorite part of the day, because there’s no posturing anymore, no one is trying to impress people to gain a better position in the society. They’re all among friends. Now Becca and Henry are heading out to really start their married life, and with it the party is winding down. She pulls away finally and Bucky smiles while Henry helps her spring cape on against the chill of the night. The days are already warm, but the earth hasn’t yet gathered heat the way it will have during the summer, and so after dark it still gets cold.

When the newlyweds have left the rest of crowd disperses, and after saying their goodbyes Bucky and Steve are on their way, walking along the streets that are mostly empty due to the time of the night. The rest of the Avengers and their friends had been at the final party and not at the reception, something that Bucky knows will surely annoy many of the society people keen to be seen with celebrities, but they head another way, because it’s not just Becca and Henry moving into a new home, Bucky and Steve are too.

It hasn’t been too long since they took the step of acknowledging their mutual love with Steve, short enough time that it’s more practical to count in weeks rather than months, but they knew from the start that what they have is as permanent as can be hoped, and with it they started making plans for future. Since he came back from Wakanda Bucky has lived with his family, and after the serum Steve lived first at SHIELD housing and then at the Stark Mansion. Neither of them had made an effort of finding a place of their own back then, but they immediately decided to do so together. They found a lovely townhouse in Brooklyn, and since the work to furnish it was finished a few days ago they decided to move in on the day of Becca’s wedding. They’re finally going home together, and Bucky reaches out to take Steve’s hand as they walk, feeling happier than he remembers ever having been.

They’re not married, not even engaged yet, which considering they’re moving together is fairly scandalous in Bucky’s parents’ opinion, a fact he’s happy to ignore. There are all kinds of societal expectations and norms, but neither he nor Steve cares too much about them, and they’re happily in a state that they can afford to live as they choose without it becoming an obstacle for their work or within their circle of friends. Bucky thinks they probably will get married one day, but for now it’s enough just to be together, the unofficial nature helping them through this stage when they know it’s permanent and yet still new. Bucky knows that if they will marry, it’ll be when their relationship and its new shape is as familiar as a well worn glove.

Now, while they know each other’s hearts, they’re still learning everything else, learning each other’s bodies, likes, and boundaries. There’s still much they don’t know, even of themselves, and it’s a delightful journey to be on together. Every day there’s something new, a way of touching, an aspect of intimacy they previously didn’t know of.

Bucky knows it’s not going to be all ease and happiness, for all that they do belong together. Over the last weeks while they’ve been preparing for their new life they’ve spent a lot of time around each other, much as they used to do when they were young, but living together will be an entirely new thing. They both have habits and tendencies, both known and new ones that will emerge, that will irritate the other, and since they will be living in a same house, there will be no avoiding them. Bucky’s not worried though, he knows that both of them are realists enough to not expect everything to be perfect, and they love each other enough to be willing to make an effort to find compromises that will work for them both.

In truth, Bucky relishes the lack of perfection, because it makes everything real. Back in Wakanda he had to continuously pinch himself, because everything there had been so effortless that he often couldn’t be sure if it wasn’t just a hallucination his dying brain had cooked up. It’s something like that with Steve too, sometimes. The ease of their interactions is almost too good to be true, not to mention there’s no longer need to worry over Steve’s health, but then again at times one of them is tired or cranky, snippy with their answers, and even through the irritation Bucky is happy, because those moments are one of the cornerstones of his faith in what they have, for the longevity of it.

They come to their door and climb up the few steps from street level, and as Steve fishes out the key a thought strikes Bucky and it’s funny enough that he chuckles out loud. Steve glances at him, curious, as he turns the key in the lock and opens the door.

“I feel like I should carry you over the threshold,” Bucky says, and Steve grins at him.

“You can do that after we’re married.”

There’s a glimmer of warmth in Bucky’s heart at Steve’s words, the casual assumption that they eventually will indeed get married. “Yeah, I bet we’ll end up arguing on the top step over who’ll be carried,” he says, ushering Steve inside and pulling the door closed after them, taking the key and locking up.

“Probably,” Steve says, close to him, not having moved further into the house, and when Bucky turns toward him Steve pushed right into his space, trapping him against the door before thoroughly kissing him.

Bucky drops the key on the little table by the door where they’re meant to be kept, and pulls Steve to him, their bodies flush together. They must have kissed hundreds, if not thousands of times by now, but it’s still exhilarating, and Bucky can’t get enough of it. Based on how Steve has a hard time keeping his hands to himself, it’s clearly the same for him. Bucky lets himself be drawn into it, to the sensation of Steve’s soft lips and hard body against him, before he pushes Steve away but doesn’t let him get very far, holding on to his lapels.

“It’s our first night at home, I don’t want to do this against the door.”

Steve nods, and steals one more kiss. “Come on.”

They don’t bother lighting candles as they make their way through the house, Steve pulling Bucky along. They can both see well enough with the little amount off light that drifts in through the windows, especially since the night isn’t too dark with the full moon up in the sky. Their bedroom has a big window, and the curtains haven’t been drawn, so it’s bathing in silver light. Steve’s hair shines with it as he pulls Bucky close again, swiftly starting to undo the buttons of his waistcoat and shirt. They waste no time getting naked, even though Bucky keeps getting distracted by how the moonlight illuminates Steve’s fair skin, showing the definition of the dips and curves of his muscles in a way the sun, fire, or candlelight never quite does.

They fall into the bed but they’re too much in need of touch to do anything complicated, they cling to each other, kissing and holding on tight as they bring each other to climax, lying panting in each other’s arms afterward. Bucky loves these moments of calming down, after the arousal has turned into euphoria that is slowly bringing them down to drowsy happiness. He likes how pliant Steve is, how he clearly doesn’t think of anything but the two of them, all cares and worries forgotten. Bucky waits for his heart to regain its normal slow rhythm, he presses his palms against Steve’s skin, and only moves when the sweat on his skin starts to become uncomfortably cool.

There are towels by the wash basin, and he cleans the two of them up before crawling back into the bed next to Steve who has managed to arrange the covers just right, holding a corner up for Bucky. They press together, arms wrapped around each other, and they might not be able to fall asleep like that, but for a while Bucky wants to just have as much skin contact with Steve as possible.

“I’m so happy to be here with you,” Steve says, pressing a kiss onto his temple. “I love you so much.”

Bucky smiles and squeezes Steve tighter for a moment. They don’t often say the words to each other, they know very well how the other feels. In their everyday lives they try to show it with their actions, but there are times when the words are the right way to go with, precious moments that are worthy to be reinforced by them.

“I love you too.”

In the end they fall asleep still in each other’s arms, and wake up with the sun shining into their eyes through the window, since they never closed the curtains.

***

They settle into their life together as spring turns into summer. It’s easy as ever being with Steve, even when there are things they both need to get used to, small and sometimes not so small irritations. They both have a temper, and sometimes they blow out at each other, sometimes they go through a day with barely a word spoken between them, only to have the tension burst and air cleared with an argument and the subsequent making up, or one of them just giving up and starting to work toward reconciliation. They make a point of never going to bed angry with each other, it’s an advice Steve’s mother gave him that they both consider solid, and so they work through the problems of the day, and never let things fester. So far their arguments haven’t been anything serious, but it’s a relief to know that even if they were, they’d have tools to deal with them.

They have wonderful days too, so many of them, and so varied. Some of them are just the two of them passing the day lazily enjoying each other’s company, each other’s hearts and souls and bodies. Others are spent with friends, or with their work, and while it’s not perfect, they’re happy. Almost unbelievably so. They’re taking steps down the path of building the life they want, and it’s more than enough.

Bucky still sometimes has to laugh at himself, at how he just a year earlier was contemplating on finding himself a small house somewhere in the countryside, somewhere he could retire with his books and not see anyone for days at a time. When they moved to the city early last summer he hated it, but it turns out to have been the catalyst into a happy and content life. He has continued working with Tony and Jane, he’s getting to know the analytical machine better and better despite the additions Tony keeps building to it, and he also spends nights at the observatory, figuring out how to make his theories fit reality, how to help Jane forward with her research. His education as a scientist has been and still is taking an unconventional path, but he’s making progress, and it’s what matters, because it’s the right thing for him, something that he’s happy to go back to every work day.

Steve is still working with SHIELD and the Avengers, but he’s cutting back his time, and happily things seem to be more peaceful now, no threats in the horizon. Not that they can be complacent, they still keep an eye on things, with Natasha, Clint, and Sharon all disappearing into the world of espionage at times, but for now Steve is not needed that often as Captain America. He mostly trains others, and when he’s not, he’s working on his art. There is a slowly increasing demand for it, rising not because of who he is but because people genuinely like his work, and Bucky is glad to see he too seems to be settling into a suitable balance. He knows Steve wouldn’t be happy were he to completely leave the life as a soldier behind, not yet anyway, but he’s now making a space for other things too.

They often leave for work together, and if Steve isn’t going to SHIELD, he usually comes with Bucky to the facility housing the analytical machine. Bucky has his own work space, and Steve now has one too, set up with all the painting supplies he could wish for. It’s there partly because Tony can’t stop meddling with other people’s lives, but also because Steve works together with him outside of the Avengers. Tony has the dream of popularizing other energy sources besides steam power, he’s working on his arc reactor as well as solar power, and Steve is very much invested in the idea. Bucky understands it, he remembers Steve’s bad lungs, and knows the reason they met in the first place was because Joseph Rogers needed the clean air of countryside. It makes sense Steve would want to make things better for everyone; there’s a reason most of the richer people leave the city in the summer when the air stands still and smoke makes the sky gray rather than blue, but it’s not something everyone can do. Steve’s not an engineer, nor does he want to be, but he can help to persuade people into seeing the benefits. He started it already before they met again with Bucky, with the mural on the wall of the facility. He’s painted and drawn more since then, brought Tony’s ideas to life, and the interest is slowly growing.

After days spent writing code and climbing inside the machine, or standing by the easel, they go home together as well. They walk hand in hand, greet the people they know on the way, often stop for a dinner at Dugan’s, and finally close their door to the world, happy to be together in their own little bubble. On some evenings they work a bit more, see to their accounts and letters. Sometimes they settle in by the fire if it’s cold or out on the terrace if it’s warm, and spend their time reading or talking. Sometimes they barely get inside before they’re all over each other, needing skin on skin, needing to satisfy the building desire. Sometimes they’re so tired they merely collapse in bed and curl up together, but no matter what kind of a day it is, it’s their life and Bucky wouldn’t change it for anything. He knows it’s the same for Steve.

***

For Steve’s birthday at the height of summer they take a vacation and go out to the countryside, taking Peggy Carter up for an invitation to stay at the Barnes estate. She does apologize to Bucky for how odd it must be, but it actually isn’t at all. He realizes now that even though the estate is where he grew up and carries innumerable good memories for him, it’s no longer his home. It hasn’t been since he graduated from the Academy and signed up with the Strike Force. He came back from Wakanda a different man, one who no longer knew how to make a life there.

There are no regrets for him, since he now has found a home with Steve, and so visiting brings only nostalgia. They stay in his old rooms, familiar but not exactly the same; the old furniture is as it used to be, but his personal belongings are no longer there, no longer creating even a tenuous connection. There are memories, but nothing to tie him back, and Bucky prefers it that way.

They visit all their favorite old haunts, spending days much like they used to back in their youth, sitting under a tree by the stream, Steve drawing and Bucky reading out loud. Their memories of their youth aren’t fully uncomplicated, there was always the difference in the social status of their families, and Bucky is happy it no longer matters. He wishes Sarah Rogers could see them now, wishes she’d be happy for them.

They’ve spent several summers together, and yet this one is a first for them too, first of their new life that spans ahead of them. During the spring Bucky exchanged letters with Shuri, asking her to look into it, and she’s come to the conclusion that they both probably will have somewhat longer than natural lifespan. Not that much longer, it’s nothing too drastic, but certainly should be noticeable. With the news Bucky understood how Steve must have felt ever since he received the serum, it is staggering to think they’re bound to go on while everyone else they know will wither, and if they were alone it would be scary. Now that they’re together, it isn’t at all, because they have the one person they want to spend the rest of their lives with next to them, and now it seems there’s a fair chance their journey together will last longer than they ever could have hoped for. Maybe it’s greedy of him, but Bucky is glad, furiously so, because they already lost years that can’t be brought back, but at least they have more in store.

They’ve already decided they’ll go to Wakanda in winter, Shuri invited them, jokingly saying it could be their honeymoon. It even might become so, because they’re settling together, their love is fast becoming an old hat, comfortable and fitting them perfectly, and Bucky often thinks about taking the last step to make it official.

Bucky looks at Steve, at the way he purses his lips and frowns in concentration, at the way he seems to almost glow under the sunlight, and he can’t help but smile with happiness. He’s careful when he takes a hold of Steve right hand, making sure the drawing won’t be smudged, and Steve takes the hint and puts his things away, pulling Bucky to him and into a deep kiss. Bucky pushes Steve down on the grass and sets to kissing him as thoroughly as he can.

His last thought before he’s completely focused on Steve under him is that it’s another perfect day for them, one of many to come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And another holiday fic successfully posted on schedule, this year I was well on time in that I did the final edits already yesterday. Thank you all for reading, whether you were along for the posting and chiming in at chapters, or picked up the finished work!
> 
> I'm also on [Dreamwidth](https://stellahibernis.dreamwidth.org/) and [tumblr](http://stellahibernis.tumblr.com/post/181407492677/half-agony-half-hope).


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